So This is Christmas
by Sultry Sweet
Summary: As Christmas approaches, Catherine finds the second part of her life might not be as figured out as she thought as she struggles to keep it together. Will she lose everything or will holiday cheer do its magic and warm her heart once again? CATH/SARA
1. Chapter 1

**_Yet again I seem to be neglecting my other fics, but I have a special plan for this one. Each chapter is going to be one day out of the month of December so I want to get out a chapter a day to keep it current. Of course, I can't post a chapter every day because right now...I'm swamped! But I do plan on working through the next two or three chapters this weekend. I'll always try and get a chapter for each of my other two current fics. :) Enjoy this early holiday gift. ;)_**

**Chapter One**

**"The Boyfriend"**

December first, the first day of the twenty five days of Christmas. ABC Family would have a movie a night and an encore presentation of each almost immediately following in spirit of the holiday. I only knew this because in years past, Lindsey would always beg me to watch the movies with her. I found it comforting to know she still wanted me around, even as she got older. In fact, I missed those days now that she was off at college. Even if she was only twenty minutes away, she might as well have been twenty thousand miles away. Hopefully she'd come home for the holidays, though. I invested way too much faith in my daughter, but what mother wouldn't?

I felt Lou's hand on my lower back as he attempted to coax me into his lap on the loveseat. I hadn't planned to sit in front of the television with him too long, but I spent too much time thinking about things that I'd forgotten to get up. He stared at the screen as he rubbed along my lower back and sides and I knew that a good girlfriend would fall into his lap and glue their eyes to the screen like their boyfriends, but I guess I wasn't a good enough girlfriend. I got off the arm of the chair and walked away from his touch. If he looked at me as I walked out of the living room, I didn't know because I never looked back.

Lately, and I'd never admit this aloud, he'd been getting on my nerves. I'd been avoiding sex with him and I hardly spent more than a few minutes at a time in close proximity to him. He couldn't accept the way I deal with relationships and he certainly couldn't handle seeing me with Jerry, a friend of my father's. One hug and the green monster I call jealousy sprouted up from the seed of insanity in Lou's mind. I'd never known him to sound so pissed and all because I'd never told him about my business transactions. We'd been together long enough for him to know certain things about me, but it's not like we were married. I didn't need to run anything past him and definitely didn't need to prove myself to him. I wouldn't even need to do that if I was his wife.

I walked into the kitchen and pulled out all the ingredients needed for my favorite kind of sandwich. When I started to put it all together between two nice pieces of whole wheat bread, Lou came in to join me. I kept my eyes on my sandwich in the making.

"Hey, did I do something to piss you off," he asked as he stepped behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"No, we're fine," I tried to shrug it off, but my words came out with resentment and agitation. I'm sure they'd cut him like knives.

"Well, it doesn't seem like that," he tightened his hold on me. He didn't want power over me, he just wanted me to pay attention to him. He wanted me to at least acknowledge his presence.

"What makes you say that," I escaped his hold and put some things back in the refrigerator.

"Well, for starters...you won't even look at me," he stepped in front of me, blocking my pathway anywhere but right into his arms as I walked away from the frige.

I softly sighed, though, in my mind I sighed loud enough for Iceland to hear me. I looked up into his big, hazel eyes and wanted nothing more than to get away from him and out of my own house.

"What have I done to make you give me the cold shoulder?"

"Nothing. Now, please, get out of my way."

"Oh, come on, Catherine."

"I didn't have to say please," I flatly said as I looked him dead in the eyes and believe me, if looks could kill, he'd be on the floor needing a casket and burial plot at the local cemetery.

He sighed and let it go, yet again, like he always did. I didn't want him to stop me, but something inside wished he cared enough to show he still wanted things to work out between us. Of course, that was why most women get ragged on, because we really are that complicated. But, being a woman, I didn't see the problem with it. I also didn't see the problem with wanting to kick Lou between the thighs just because I felt like it. Then again, those were my complicated hormones talking and I didn't want to hurt him, but I did feel obligated to scream at him from time to time. Now was one of those times, but I had learned a masterful thing long ago called self-restraint. The neighbors didn't need to know what I really thought at this point in our relationship and I didn't even think he needed to know.

So I kept my mouth shut and headed back into the living room where I changed the channel on the television and took complete control over the room. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Lou stare into the room and shrug his shoulders in defeat. He turned and headed for the door.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he flatly said, trying not to let his voice waver.

I could tell how much my silence killed him and I felt like an intolerable bitch, but I smiled at how I got what I wanted: a night alone.

I ate my sandwich as I watched a movie on TV and dozed off in peace as I had my house to myself. I didn't have to hate myself as I slept beside Lou and pretended to find comfort in his embrace, his arm draped over my waist. In truth, I'd stopped finding comfort in it a couple weeks ago when he couldn't handle the fact that I hadn't told him about my partial ownership of the Eclipse. He'd called me a few nights after our brick wall discussion, but he didn't call to apologize. He called and said he wanted to take me out to dinner. I agreed, but I hated him for not saying he accepted my choice. That's when sleeping with him became an even bigger turn off than all the screwed up things Eddie did when we were married.

But, with the house to myself, I didn't have to worry about it. I could sleep without a single thought involving Lou and I could get away with not being touched by his large, unpleasing hands I had to bear too many times. Amazing what a few months in a relationship can do to you, how it can change you. I found out that maybe Lou and I are growing apart. I wanted to start the second part of my life with someone and he wanted to spend the second part of his life trying to get back the comfortable relationship with his ex-wife he'd lost years ago.

I hummed in my sleep as nothing but blissful images and scents took over my brain. That's when I could finally think about leaving the lab for the Eclipse guilt free. I didn't have Lou next to me as a constant reminder of why I hadn't left sooner this year.

When I woke up, I felt rejuvenated and full of life. I'd never felt better and I'd slept sprawled across the loveseat in my living room with the TV quietly droning on. I went upstairs, took a shower and tried to prepare for the day ahead of me. I wanted to get my Christmas shopping done before everything went out of stock and I wanted to look good doing it because everyone could see I wasn't getting any younger. Fifty-two and nearly flawless is what I wanted people to think, but with Lou around, that seemed like an even more far fetched goal each day.

I applied anti-aging cream to my face and rubbed another miracle working cream under my eyes to minimize the bags and by the time I'd finished, I'd managed to shock myself. I looked at least five years younger and I didn't seem tired at all. I appeared cool and confident and full of energy. My first night sleeping without Lou and I'd already seen an improvement. But...I didn't think I'd be saying my _first_ night. I didn't think I'd want to make it a permanent thing, or even a thing at that. I thought, _One night and I'll have cooled off._ But that's not what had happened.

I'd cooled off, but I'd enjoyed it a little too much. Maybe I needed to be alone for a while. Or maybe I needed someone other than Vartann around me.

So I called a friend, someone I trusted, someone I wanted to spend the day with me. I called my sister Nancy.

"Hello," she answered with a mouthful.

"Did I catch you at a bad time?"

"Cathy! Mm, no. I'm just...having breakfast," she gleefully replied as she swallowed. "What's up?"

"How's about a little holiday shopping?"

"Today?"

"Yeah, you're not doing anything, are you?"

"When have you ever known me to have too much on my plate for you? I'd love to go shopping. When do you want to go?"

"Um, after I take a shower?"

She laughed.

"That's fine. Should I come get you?"

"Yeah, that'd be great," I smiled. "You can come over now, but I might still be in the shower when you get here. Do you still have a spare key?"

"Um, I think so. ...Yeah."

"Great. I'll see you in a bit."

"See ya."

It took me ten minutes to shower, seven minutes to dry and brush my hair, and two minutes to throw on a great outfit.

"Damn!"

I chuckled at the sight of Nancy with her jaw to the floor and her eyes popped out of her skull like Wiley Coyote before he realizes the roadrunner set him up for his own trap.

I twirled for her with a large smile and ended in a pose like a runway supermodel.

"You like?"

"I think I need to change," she joked.

"Please, it's not like I'll upstage you at the mall. No one notices me anymore."

"Well, maybe before you reserved yourself for that charming, good-looking boy toy of yours. What happened to him that made you pull out the good clothes?"

"Nothing. We're still together. I just...decided to wear something a little less...domesticated."

"Thank god. Now I can finally see you instead of the quiet, boring Cathy I saw a few weeks ago."

"I'm not boring!"

"I know you're not...now that the real you is ready to go," she smiled.

I looked down for a second and mentally sighed. Had it gotten that bad that I wasn't even acting like myself? Well, that was going to change...starting with this girls day out.

I took a deep breath, looked up, and smiled.

"Let's go."

Nancy smiled and we quickly headed out the door.

Twenty minutes later, Nancy and I arrived at the mall and a flood of people beat us to the front doors, but we weren't discouraged. We had all day to browse the stores for the perfect gifts.

"So...who are you shopping for this holiday season," Nancy asked as we walked into the place.

"Lindsey, of course. I should get Lou something. And...maybe a few little things for the team."

"Hmm, you don't sound happy to shop for the boyfriend."

I looked at her with a straight face and shrugged.

"To tell you the truth...I'm not exactly happy to be _with _him anymore," I replied as I looked forward to see where I was walking.

"Then...why not break up with him?"

"It's...I know, right? But...there's..." I sighed. "It's complicated."

"I can tell. I think you broke the record for the longest time to get out two simple words."

"Shut up. This is why I don't talk to you as often as I used to."

"Really? I never would've guessed you hated being told the truth."

I rolled my eyes.

"Cathy, if you're not going to break it off...talk to him. I'm sure he doesn't like being kept in the dark."

"And I never wanted to put him there, but...it's a lot more involved than you think."

"Then tell me how involved it is," she grabbed my arm and spun me to face her completely as we stopped in front of Victoria's Secret.

I averted my eyes as she let go of my arm, and when I looked up, I could see right into the store and saw no one other than Sara Sidle.

"Shit," I muttered as I turned to face forward and tried to start walking again.

But of course, Nancy couldn't let me do that because she wanted me to talk.

"Catherine," she piped up as though I wouldn't have heard her if I lived in Florida. "What is it? Why is it more involved than I think?"

When I turned to face her again, I looked back into the store and noticed several eyes on us, and one of them notably a chocolate brown pair belonging to Sara.

She smiled and I knew I had to smile back because Sara wasn't the problem. Nancy looked behind her and saw Sara, which would've been the perfect time to bolt, but I couldn't do that without raising questions.

"Hey," I greeted Sara as I went inside Victoria's Secret and saw the other eyes fixated on me regain focus on the merchandise.

"Hey," she casually responded. "What are you doing here?"

"Shopping."

She laughed and flashed her gap toothed smile.

"Other than that."

"Christmas shopping," I smiled in response to her laugh. "With my sister."

I hitched a thumb over my shoulder at Nancy as she walked up behind me and stuck out her hand for a shake.

"Hi, I'm Nancy."

"Sara," she shook Nancy's hand.

"I work with Sara," I explained to Nancy.

Nancy nodded as she and Sara ended their hand shake.

"Actually, I work _for _her. She's the boss," Sara interjected.

"Right," I felt a tiny blush wash over my cheeks. "So...what are you doing here?"

"Shopping," she smiled.

I rolled my eyes with a smile as I gently shook my head.

"I really am shopping, but...not Christmas shopping. I'm thinking of doing that in France."

"Oh, right. You're scheduled for vacation the week of Christmas. I forgot."

"Yeah, but I'll be back for New Years. In fact, I'll be back on New Years Eve."

"Nice. I'm sure Gil isn't thrilled about that."

"Of course not, but he and I made a deal. He could get me for Christmas or New Years. Obviously, he picked Christmas because he'd get more time with me."

"It's the logical choice," I smiled and slowly nodded.

"Ooh," Nancy finally jumped into the conversation. "Is that bra part of the new collection?"

I mentally groaned and tried not to let her embarrass me.

"Uh, yeah. I think so. I got it over there," Sara politely answered with a smile as she pointed to a section of the store behind her and far from us.

"I think I'm gonna go check it out over there," Nancy told me as she started in the direction of the bras and panties.

"Okay," I quickly nodded.

When she was out of earshot, Sara resumed our conversation.

"She must be fun to hang out with," she grinned.

"Not right now, she isn't," I muttered as I bitterly stared after her until she disappeared around a corner.

Sara chuckled.

"Well, they're great bras, so...I understand why she'd jump on the chance to buy them."

I snapped out of my vengeful thoughts and stared at her with owl eyes, soon followed by me furrowing my brows and my eyes returning to their normal size.

"How many pairs of those particular bras do you have?"

"This one makes five."

I relaxed and grinned.

"Let me guess, they're all different colors and you have matching panties for them."

"I mix match the panties with the bras, but you're right about the colors," she grinned back because she knew what I was getting at. "Don't stand here and lie to me when we both know you're wearing one of their bras right now."

She stepped forward and slightly invaded my personal space as she called me out. I liked her style.

"Maybe I am. How would you know?"

"Because," she pointed at my shoulder. "I'm a trained observer. I thought we discussed this."

I looked down at the shoulder she'd pointed at and noticed a bra strap poking out. I brushed it under my shirt and looked up at her again with a smile.

"Okay," Nancy said as she headed toward us from the back section of the store. "We're coming back here later. They've got a sale on fragrances and I noticed a few clearance thongs too."

I shook my head.

"I guess that means you're ready to go?"

"Yeah. I don't want to be here when the lunch mob rushes in. It gets crazy!"

"I know what you mean. That's why I do most of my mall shopping in the morning," Sara said.

"All right," I smiled. "Well, it was nice seeing you. You should...probably pay for that now. And...I'll see you for shift."

"See you then," she smiled back. "Nice meeting you, Nancy."

"You too, Sara," Nancy cordially smiled and shook Sara's hand again.

I waved goodbye and Nancy and I slipped out of the store as if we were never even there.

"I like her," Nancy quickly commented, her face forward with a wide smile spread across her face. "Now tell me about her."

I laughed.

"She's just someone I work with. I've known her over ten years now and she's a great CSI."

"That's all...very fascinating... Now tell me what she's really like."

"Well...what do you want me to say, Nance? She's married to our old boss who's currently located in France, she used to react strongly to domestic violence cases, and I hope her apparent happiness lasts because I'd hate to see her leave again."

"Interesting."

"No," my eyes widened as I pointed my index finger at her. "There's nothing interesting about it."

"You don't want her to leave. That's interesting."

"No, it's not. I only said that because last time she left, she'd been left for dead in the dessert a couple months prior. She wasn't happy and I hate seeing my friends feel like that."

"Okay...this is the same Sara that Lindsey's complained about you getting frustrated with when you still liked to pick a fight?"

"She's mentioned that to you?"

"Years ago, when I still got to babysit her...yeah."

"Great."

"Don't get your panties in a bunch, it's fine. But...you called her your friend and...you've never mentioned her to me before. I've heard about Nick, Warrick, Grissom, even Greg for crying out loud! But you've never dropped her name."

"Maybe because we weren't that close. It took us some time to completely warm up to each other."

"How long?"

"Six years."

"Damn, Cathy!"

"After she helped me when I thought...I might've been raped...she and I sort of had this silent understanding."

"What? Whoa, wait a minute! You thought you were raped?"

"Yeah, but...it's not important. I didn't want to talk about it with Lou and now I don't want to talk about it with you."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me."

I groaned.

"I can't believe every time I tell someone about it, they all say the same thing!"

"Fine. I get it. We can drop it, okay? What store do you want to go to first?"

"Thank you. I appreciate it. ...Um, I guess this one's a good place to start," I pointed at the place next to us before we decided to pass it.

Four hours later, Nancy and I were up to our necks in shopping bags from stores all over the mall, including Victoria's Secret, and we were ready to get home.

"I'm thinking we should stop somewhere for lunch," Nancy said as we made our way to her car.

"I agree. I'm too tired to make anything."

"God, I don't miss being on my feet this much at all!"

I smiled.

"Me either."

I, of course, was referring to my days as an exotic dancer, but Nancy was referring to her days as a waitress at a frequented restaurant. She and I did our tough jobs for the same amount of time and always bitched about it to each other at the end of shift. But then we talked about the bonuses of our jobs, like her enormous tips and overtime payment, while I mentioned the way men gawked at me all night and how I earned a few extra hundreds under the table.

On our drive home we couldn't make up minds as to where we'd get our food, so we chose to drive straight home since we couldn't think too clearly by that point.

"A nap sounds orgasmic right now," Nancy said as we walked through the front door.

"The guest room's free."

She hummed as she followed me upstairs, which I thought I wouldn't manage, and we both crawled into separate beds, but enjoyed the same satisfaction as we dozed off over the sheets. We woke up a couple hours later feeling much better than we had when we got back.

I stretched as I continued to lay in bed and heard Nancy wandering around my place. I sighed and smiled, blissfully victorious over my life for the first time in months. Maybe Lou and I were two completely different people and it wouldn't work out between us. Even though people always said opposites attract, but just because we were attracted to each other didn't mean we would end up together in the long run.

A semi-soft knock on my bedroom door dragged me out my recurring deep thoughts and as Nancy walked in with a smile on her face, I tried to bury those same thoughts in a heartbeat.

"I made lunch, but now it's more like an early dinner."

She crossed the room and came to sit at my bedside.

"What were you thinking about," her smile faded a bit as she cooed with concern.

"The boyfriend," I sighed.

"Of course. ...And you finally going to tell me about how invaded things are between you two?"

I sat up and leaned against the headboard.

"Everything is too serious with him. I hugged Jerry in front of him and he tried to give me the third degree about it."

"Jerry...the guy that worked with your dad?"

"Yeah. And then, when he found out I own a little part of the Eclipse, he bit my head off when I told him couples don't have to tell each other everything."

"What did he say?"

"Something, 'And who gets to draw that line?' That's not fair. If he didn't want to tell me something about work or extra money he makes on the side, that's fine with me. It's his money. He can do what he wants with it."

"That makes sense. ...But, why didn't you want to tell him about the Eclipse?"

"It never came up before we worked on a case there."

"What's the real reason, Cathy?"

"Because I don't always want to be daddy's little girl. I was afraid if I told him, all he'd see were dollar signs and a spoiled brat."

"And that's how you should've explained it to him."

"I shouldn't have to prove anything to him...and it wouldn't matter anyway because he already thinks I don't trust him."

She rolled her eyes and rested her hand on my wrist.

"And what would give him that impression?"

"I don't know, Nance! He probably thinks because I don't feel like telling him everything that I'm going to cheat, or already am, cheating on him!"

"Relax. It was just a question."

I took a deep breath.

"I know. That's why I said it's more involved that you think."

"I still have a feeling there's something you're not telling me. You just told me every reason there is for you to leave him. Now tell me why you haven't?"

"Because...I don't want to base a huge decision on little things. I don't even know if I'm right about what he thinks."

"No, no. That's not gonna work with me. What's the real reason."

"You better buy it because that's the only reason I'm giving you."

"So...there is another reason."

"Maybe. I don't know. It's-"

"Complicated? If you say so, but you're probably making something out of nothing," she said as she stood. "Come on. There's food downstairs."

"What'd you make?"

"Salad, sandwiches and chicken patties. I also mixed up some sweetened iced tea."

I got out of bed and followed her into the kitchen. I grabbed a ham sandwich, added extra mayonnaise, got a little more than a fist full of salad, and poured myself three quarters of a glass of iced tea.

"Thanks for rummaging through my kitchen to make all of this," I smiled as I took a seat at the bar.

"No problem, sis," she smiled back as she grabbed a few things for herself and took a seat next to me.

"Thanks for not hating me all these years," I looked down at my food.

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, when you found out that we're only half sister...you didn't let that change anything."

"Oh, of course not. All those years under the same roof...we've always been there for each other. Why would having different dads change that?"

I smiled, blushed a little, and dug into my food. The first of December, conquered.

**...**

_**Thanks for reading. I plan on the rest of the chapters being of equal, or similar, length to this one. Remember, it's supposed to cover an entire day. :) Love to hear what you think. **_

_**DON'T FORGET ABOUT THAT GLORIOUS BUTTON BELOW THAT SAYS 'REVIEW'. :) **_

_**If you review, you'll make my holiday. Thanks, my lovely readers. **_


	2. Chapter 2

**_Back again with another update, trying not to fall too behind in days. :) Thanks for the reviews so far, I just wish I got to see a little more. :(_**

**_GSRCSILVR25:_****_ It's sort of a Cath/Sara romance. I can't say too much because I'll give it away, but there will be hints sprinkled throughout the story about what's to come. So keep your eyes peeled. :)_**

**_Axiegirl21:_********_Thanks. As I wrote the first chapter I realized I needed to clarify a few things and that's where the whole "different dads" thing came in._**

**_Please enjoy this update. More on the way._**

**Chapter Two**

**"The Offer"**

December second and I hadn't talked to Vartann since our fight two nights ago. I didn't want to talk to him and apparently, he wasn't ready to talk to me. I didn't mind, but I knew if we were done, we needed to talk, if not to see eye to eye, then to make our breakup official.

Nancy left after dinner the day before and I'd headed into work a few hours later. I saw Sara as we'd said we would when we ran into each other at the mall. She and I worked a case, one that would take longer than shift and a couple hours of overtime. In fact, Sara was on her way to my place as I remembered the previous day. She and I decided a case review a few hours before shift would help us solve it so I'd offered up my place and she'd accepted my informal invitation.

My doorbell chimed and I went straight to the door, a strawberry in my hand with a bite missing because it was in my mouth.

"Hi," Sara smiled with half of the manila folders for our case tucked under her arm. "So...I've been looking this over all night. There's something off about all this."

I chuckled.

"Of course you studied the case before we're going to study the case."

"What can I say? I'm dedicated."

I stepped aside to let her pass as she walked into the living room and dumped the folders on the coffee table.

"Want some strawberries," I asked as I took another bite from mine.

"Sure," she shrugged before she followed me over to the kitchen.

I took a strawberry out of the container it came in and handed it to her. She casually took it from me and walked around my place as though she belonged. In all the years she and I worked together, she'd never even the street I lived on let alone the inside of my house. She was...comfortable.

"so...are we gonna talk about the case?"

I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to jump out of my thoughts.

"Uh, yeah. I just don't know if I really want to talk about it yet," I confessed as I strolled into the living room again.

I plopped down on the couch next to her and tipped back my head to rest it on the top of the couch, eyes closed.

"Did you get enough sleep last night?"

"Mhm."

"Then how come you look exhausted?"

I only hummed in response.

"Have you been sleeping a lot lately?"

"Mhm."

"I know it's not my place, but...is there something going on with you?"

"Mm mm. Just catching up on lost sleep from the past several months," I groggily said as I felt myself slip further into slumber.

"Seriously?"

I relaxed a few more seconds and reentered the world outside of my head.

"How much sleep have you lost, Catherine," she asked.

"Hmm? Oh, I was just kidding," I lied.

"Are you sure? You'd tell me if something was bugging you?"

"Yeah. I guess. If it was really affecting me, sure. I think I'm ready to talk about the case now."

If I knew Sara like I knew she knew me, I understood that when she sighed and dismissed the conversation, she only did it because she knew how I worked.

She opened one of the folders on the table and pulled it into her lap.

"In autopsy, our victim showed signs of a struggle, but we found no evidence of that where we found her. I'm thinking maybe she wasn't killed there."

"Right. I thought we came to that conclusion last night."

"We did," she smiled. "It's just a lead in to what I found when I looked it over again after shift."

I smiled back as I stifled a laugh at her funny, offbeat process with evidence.

"Okay...so what did you find?"

"Well, I thought...why would she have been killed somewhere else? It looked like an argument broke out and someone she knew, someone she trusted, killed her. But...if she was killed somewhere else, what was doing that could get her killed? So...I checked out her employment record. Turns out, she worked as a bartender at Porcelain, the strip club about twenty minutes from her house."

"Okay, but...what does that have to do with your theory?"

"Before she was a bartender there, she worked the pole for eight months."

"Same club," I asked, shocked.

"Uh huh. I called the club last night, asked some bartender named Trix about our vic...and she said their boss demoted her because she rejected him. She told me she didn't know much more than that, but that the owner and her spent way too much time in his office. Apparently, it's all any of the girls could talk about for weeks. They finally stopped the chatter when they saw the scar on our victim's face and her working behind the counter instead of on stage."

"He gave his girls a message, using our vic to do it."

"That's what I'm thinking. Maybe the owner did it."

"Is that your theory? Killed at the club, stuffed in a garbage bag and taken back to her place to make it look like the boyfriend did it?"

"Okay, so it's not a fully developed theory. But it's something to go on. Plus, the boyfriend's got an alibi, which we confirmed during shift, so we know he's innocent. The owner is our only lead."

"I'm sure he smacked her around, but she was obviously his favorite play thing. No way would he have killed her."

"He didn't stand a chance with her, especially since she already had a boyfriend."

"Then why didn't he go after the boyfriend, make him end it with her?"

"Maybe he had something else in mind. Maybe he wanted to control her, wanted her to be with him so she still had to go back to her boyfriend every night, feeling used and abused. She'd be miserable and it'd teach her not to mess with him."

"Who owns the club?"

"Uh," she riffled through the paper's looking for a name. "Denis Chapman."

"Denny. Figures. ...It's not his style. He wouldn't have killed her. He would've roughed her up, sent a message to her and the other dancers, and would've found someone else."

"Denny?"

"His nickname. Everybody calls him Denny."

"And...you know him how?"

"I used to work for him...for a few weeks."

"What happened?"

"Well, let's just say...he treated me like our vic."

"He tried to get after you?"

"He got me. The second he found out I'd met Eddie, he swooped in, tried to pick me up, and I wouldn't have any of it. He trapped me in his office after my final performance for the night and I spent night after night trying to explain to Ed why I was late and kept breaking promises. Eddie wasn't always on time himself, but he never stood me up consecutively for three weeks."

"And...you told Denny to get lost?"

"He tried to sleep with me before I went on one night and I used whatever I could find in his office to hit him and slow him down. I got away in enough time get on stage and he cornered me at closing. He slammed me against a brick wall and tried to choke me. Thank god Eddie showed up, pissed because I was late for our night in, and when he saw Denny pull out his car keys, he pulled him off me and punched him in the face and kneed him where the sun don't shine."

"Car keys? To cut up your face like our vic?"

"Most likely. Eddie took me home and stayed with me all night to ensure my safety. I didn't got back to the club after that and looked for another club to hire me."

"Wow. Seems like you know every scum bag in town. So...is it safe to assume a huge scar down your cheek would've ended your career as a dancer?"

"Definitely. What guy would shell out for a girl who'd been marked?"

"And that was his goal. Punish our victim so she could never be a dancer anywhere else since she was going to dance at his club anymore."

"Exactly. Killing her would've ended her problems and wouldn't be much of a punishment."

"Hey, I'm sorry he tried to do that to you."

"Oh...don't worry about it. It's all in the past. I really don't like to talk about it. Besides, we're talking about the case...not me."

"You know, I thought I didn't like to share with people, always kept to myself..."

"And now you tell people everything?"

She rolled her eyes with a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

"I never thought I'd see those characteristics in you. One thing I always liked about you, since the first day we met, was how open you were. You didn't care who knew your business because you knew whatever you did, you earned your spot where you stood when they tried to judge you for your past. I always wanted to be more like that, especially given what's buried in my past."

"It's not always good to be like me, you know. And...I really can't believe you just admitted to looking up to me."

She laughed.

"I never said that."

"It was implied."

"Actually saying it and implying it are two completely different things."

"Whatever. I was your role model. No denying that now," I smugly grinned.

She rolled her eyes again.

"You love thinking highly about yourself, don't you?"

"No, I enjoy being told how great I am. That's why I was always so confident. I had tons of people telling me how gorgeous I was, how great a dancer I was, how fearless I was."

"You're still all those things, Cat. Why do always talk about it as if it only applied to you in your stripper days?"

"Because that's really the only time anyone ever said anything positive about me."

"Like I didn't just compliment you a little while ago."

"Wait, I missed it. Say it again."

She giggled.

"Fine. This time I'll say it loud and clear. I think you're fearless, I think you look great, I know you're amazing at your job, and I'd save you from anything, including yourself, if you needed me to."

I smiled, ear to ear, like an idiot.

"Thanks."

"Your welcome. Now...do you have anything other than strawberries because I forgot to eat before I came over here."

I softly chuckled and nodded.

After we ate, Sara and I went into shift together. We took my new Mazda, that I absolutely adored, and got to work ten minutes early. I liked spending time with her, case or no case, because somehow...she understood me. In fact, I'd never told anyone about Denny. Of course, I never had to and it never came up before, but not even Lou knew about that. The only person other than me that knew about that was packed away in his grave six feet under.

If what Sara and Nancy said was true, I needed to talk to Lou. Maybe I was wrong to push him away. I always knew that was the wrong thing to do in a relationship, but I guess I never listened to myself. Time to take my own advice I taught others from all my mistakes.

Sara and I requested Denny to come in for an interrogation, so we headed down to the station. We walked together, our steps in sync, and made our way to the room Brass told us he put Denny in.

I saw Lou walking in our direction when we reached the room and turned to Sara.

"Can you give me a minute? Promise I won't be long."

She looked forward and noticed Lou herself. She looked back and me and nodded.

"Okay. I'll see you in a few."

"Thanks," I smiled a little.

She headed into the room and I took a deep breath as I tried to get the courage to stop Lou for a quick conversation.

When he saw me he sighed and scratched his head as he avoided eye contact with me. That wasn't good.

"Lou, I think we need to clear the air."

"Yeah. Do we have to do it now?"

"Well, we need to do it soon. It's been a few days since you walked out-"

"I only walked out because you obviously didn't want me there!"

"Okay, I know things have been...different-"

"Different? Catherine, you won't even let me touch you!"

A few cops walked by and stared. It wasn't the time or place to talk about our relationship and I honestly didn't want the attention the cops gave me. Anything Lou and I said, would probably only wreck my image further.

"We should talk later."

"Right, of course. Walk away when things don't go your way."

"Hey, I just wanted to clarify a few things. I do have work to do, you know."

"Then you shouldn't have stopped me."

I scoffed.

"Why do you always do this?"

"Do what?"

"Get in a huff every time you think I'm wrong to do something. Tell me what's really bugging you?"

"We really should talk about this later," he told me with a stern, angry face.

"So know you get to decide when it's best for me to talk about this?"

"I'm tired of you deciding when it's best for me, so yeah. I guess you could say I now get to decide."

"Lou!"

He walked right past me and didn't look back so I did a stupid thing and called after him.

"Lou, if you don't come over after shift...you can consider us over!"

"What are we even ending," he yelled as he whipped around. "I can't decipher between you wanting me and you needing your space! I mean...I'm starting to think all you want is sex."

My jaw dropped and that got a few more cops to stare, not to mention Sara opening the interrogation room door to peek out and see who was responsible for all the noise.

Lou shook his head and loudly groaned and swung around and continued his voyage to the front doors of the police department.

"Catherine," Sara softly called to me.

I sighed and closed my eyes for a few seconds to keep my emotions under control. When I opened them, I looked to Sara and slowly made my way into interrogation.

Sara didn't say anything. She let my problems go again. Probably because she knew it was inappropriate to talk about it in front of the suspect.

I saw Denny and the second he set his eyes on me, he wryly grinned.

"Boyfriend troubles? You never stood a chance without me."

I ground my teeth and clenched my fists to refrain from screaming at him. I couldn't be unprofessional, especially with Denny.

"Mr. Chapman," Sara jumped in to take the focus off me.

"Please, call me Denny. I'm sure Kitty Cat told you all about me."

She stared at him like she didn't care what he thought I told her, just that she got some answers. She was always direct like that on the job. Another great quality she possessed.

"What was your relationship with Rebecca Dalton?"

"Becca? What's she got to to do with anything? Oh, did that bitch report me or something?"

"Mr. Chapman, what do you think this is about," Sara flatly asked.

"I told you, call me Denny. Becca didn't want people to know she and I were getting it on so...when all the girls at the club finally figured it out, she flipped and told me it was over. I tried to stop her from leaving and I might've gotten a little aggressive with her. I didn't mean to hurt her though, I swear."

I rolled my eyes.

"What, Kitty Cat? Don't believe me because your cheating boyfriend had to 'save you' from me?"

"Mr. Chapman-"

"Lady, how many times do I have to tell you...it's Denny!"

"My name is Sara Sidle, not lady and I feel comfortable calling you Mr. Chapman so I'll call you Mr. Chapman. If you have a problem with me, you can file a complaint, but for now...you're stuck answering questions you probably don't want to answer."

I mentally grinned and thanked Sara for acting similar to Brass to get Denny off my back. She knew how I felt about him, probably just from listening to the way I told her about what he tried to do to me, and now she was protecting me. I needed someone like her around me. Not Lou who only seemed to question me about every little thing.

Denny sighed.

"Fine. What other questions do you have for me?"

"Where were you two nights ago around one thirty A.M.?

"Having dinner with a friend."

"Who's your friend," she asked.

"Do I really need to answer that?"

"If you want us to be able to verify your alibi, yes."

"Aaron Crosby," he sighed. "You remember Aaron, don't you?"

I rolled my eyes and slid a couple of photos across the table to him.

"Becca didn't report you. We found her body last night at her place."

He studied the photos, hardly horrified or sad.

"I can promise you I didn't do that to her. She hadn't shown up for work this past week, she reminded me of you in that way. I don't what happened to her. I just figured she'd quit."

"Guess you see a lot of me in other girls, huh? Can't get any of them to want you, especially not know that you're all grown up, so you decide to go the distance and get rid of them."

"Never. Just because they want to be like you...doesn't mean I'd kill them. I'm not like dear old dad."

"Mr. Chapman," Sara interrupted. "Where did you have dinner?"

"The Eclipse. Heard it was Sam's new project...before he was shot," he darted his eyes at me, trying to get under my skin. "I also heard he's trying to keep his casino business in the family from beyond the grave. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you, Kitty?"

"You don't own me, Denny. You never did."

"Yeah, I see that now. Sam made you untouchable. Too bad I didn't get the memo he was your father until you were long gone. Of course...now he's long gone-"

"And I'm still untouchable."

"Oh, sweetheart, I heard. Your boyfriend told me all about it just now. Or did you forget these walls might as well be made out of paper."

I clenched my jaw and curled my toes inside my shoes.

"Mr. Chapman-"

"That was always the problem with you. It might've worked in your act, but when you stepped off the stage...you were no different. No one could ever compare to the picture perfect man in your head. I guess you were fantasizing about Sam saving you all these years. You just wanted daddy's attention. Funny how we can never get what we want."

I let it go because I had to and because I knew Sam would never let that low life to get him. If I expected to manage the Eclipse from inside the casino, I needed to be more like him. I didn't want to bust knees, break heads, and make threats, but I did want to stand tall and send a message loud and clear that even if I didn't do things like Sam, I still cut you down because you tried to cheat me.

"I think we're done here," Sara said as she stood. "Don't leave the state."

"Fine by me. My business is here," he said as he got up and left dripping slime on the seat. Filthy little wannabe.

Once we got back to the lab, I headed straight to the locker room. I wanted to change my clothes, change my skin maybe. I didn't know what I needed, but I knew I probably should get home.

"Catherine, you okay," Sara asked from the doorway.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just need a time out."

"Why don't you go home. I'll finish things up here. In fact, Mandy might get a hit off that partial we pulled."

"Really? Then I'm definitely not going home."

"Cat..."

"Sara, I'm the boss. I choose who goes home...and right now, that's not me."

"Okay, but at least take a break. That guy-"

"That guy is nothing. I can handle it," I looked her square in the eyes and got my message across.

There was a pause.

"I'll be with Mandy. I'll see you when you're ready."

She swiftly turned around the corner of the door frame and I was alone. I didn't want to snap at her, didn't want to make my position of power divide us. I wanted her to keep reaching out. I figured she'd continue to do just that, but when would she find me too difficult to deal with? She obviously heard Lou getting fed up with me so what was to say she wouldn't soon feel the same?

I took a deep breath and sighed in exhale before I rested my forehead against my cold, metal locker. I stripped myself of my shirt and grabbed one of the clean ones hanging on the side of my locker. The only thing that kept me working round the clock: my responsibility as supervisor, spite, and Sara's previous offer to save me.

**...**

_**Hope you liked it. Thanks for reading. :) And DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW. I live for those for your information. ;)**_

_**More updates coming soon. **_


	3. Chapter 3

**_Thanks again for the reviews. As I said, they really make my day. And don't think I've already forgotten about my other stories like Little Life. I know I need to post more for them, but I'm spending a lot of time on this story. Sorry. Anyway...here's the latest. Enjoy. Chapter Four should be up soon. :)_**

**Chapter Three**

**"The Funk"**

The third of the month and I didn't want to get out of bed. Lou accused me of only wanting sex from him and that hurt considering he knew about my past as an exotic dancer. Everyone at the police station and lab knew that. So...his words stung though they weren't far from right. At first, I really liked the sex and the conversation was just a nice bonus, the company made everything else in the world bearable.

Lou took away the dark, lonely nights and gave me a sweet, overly desired release. He showed sincere care and I fell into him, wanting someone to spend the second part of my life with, so I more crashed, rather than fell, into him. In my defense, though, he crashed into me ten times harder. In fact, I couldn't compare to the force he put into the physical aspect of our relationship,but...that didn't seem like the point.

I guess the point was, Lou couldn't handle the fact that I withhold information in relationships... and I didn't see the problem with it. We needed to have a talk, but I didn't want to go near him after his outburst at the station. I didn't want to feel victimized again. I'd let that happen way too many times, believe it or not. In reality, I let more people walk over me than Times Square and I'd never learned how to properly protect myself from it. My defense was always get mean, get tough, and yell. Sara knew that first hand. I thought she could explain it to Lou better than I'd ever would, but I guess I knew exactly how to explain it in my head.

I flipped onto my side, one arm under my pillow, on my bed and sighed. I wanted to do something, but I didn't want to do a damn thing. Something told me I was slightly depressed and something else told me Lou's comments were to blame. Instead, I blamed myself and wished I had the courage to get out of bed and pretend everything was fine and normal, like I usually did when things got dreary. I guess I'd spent too many years doing that and in all my old age, I could no longer pull it off.

Fifty-two and unable to be alone. What a great day for me. I couldn't understand how I'd grown so distant and bitchy. That's when it hit me. I was nice to Holly Gribbs, convinced her to stay at the lab, and then she was gone, without warning, without ever living her life to the fullest. She could have been a mother a few years from then, she could have moved on from the lab to conquer bigger and better things, she could have been swing shift supervisor, she could have been so many things that she never had the chance to be.

Then Sara came along.

I never knew what happened, but when Grissom first said his friend was coming to help while Holly was in the hospital, I didn't think much of it. I felt indifferent to the whole situation...in theory. When I first laid eyes on her though, I instantly turned into someone so unrecognizable, the bitch took control of my body and mind. I never stopped being Catherine Willows, ice queen of the bruised and fragile. Sara deserved more from me, like Lou probably deserved more from me. I didn't want to change, though. I didn't want to get hurt again. I wasn't ready to risk everything I tried hard for years to get back.

I hadn't stopped trying to repossess myself since my divorce and I didn't know how I'd survive if I'd ever figured out how. Maybe that's why I stayed at the lab as long as I did. Maybe that's why I couldn't leave. Maybe it had nothing to do with Lou and everything to do with me. I had more issues than I thought I did and I needed to solve myself rather than the case at hand I went back to every shift.

"Help me," I begged my empty room.

What did I need? What did I want? Who was I? What did I need to do to change the parts of me I knew needed fixing? When would I stop asking myself so many damn questions?

I needed help.

I picked up the phone and sat up in bed. I dialed one number I knew by heart.

"Lou?"

"What is it, Catherine," he asked with a bit of annoyance.

"Can we talk? My place? Ten minutes?"

He sighed.

"I'll be there in fifteen."

"That's fine."

I hung up and held back tears. I knew he and I needed to get out our frustrations with each other, but I knew I most likely didn't need to put myself on the chopping block at that point in time. It's what Lou needed though, and I remembered a time when I was eager to please. I had to bring that time to the present. I had to get Lou to hear me out before it was too late and too late sounded like it was right around the corner.

Half an hour later, I heard the doorbell ring and when I got to the door, I saw Lou on the other side.

"You said fifteen. What happened," I gently asked.

"I took longer than I planned. Are we going to talk?"

He walked inside as though I'd already invited him in. I let it slide, but I knew I was letting him walk over me. I figured it was better than fighting again.

"I just wanted to clear the air."

"Are you going to explain why you don't ever feel like telling me anything?"

"Do you want me to tell you something about myself?"

"Yeah, because you've been so forthcoming in the past," he dryly said as his anger started to surface.

"Fine. Here's something people don't know. I cried for Eddie when he died even though I hated everything he put me through. I didn't cry just because my little girl had lost her father. I cried because I'd lost the man I shared so many things with and even though we were divorced, I always thought he'd be around to keep me grounded."

He stared blankly at me.

"Do you need something else? Did that not help my case? Fine. Here's something. I locked myself in my bathroom all night several years ago after I caught my boyfriend cheating on me with some slutty waitress that worked at his night club. I cried myself to sleep and woke up with a stiff back at about two thirty in the afternoon the next day."

He still didn't say anything.

"More? You want more? I'm rich and not even a little rich. I mean loaded. Lindsey's college fees are paid in full right now and they'll stay like that for the next two years. After that, I'm not sure yet...but at the rate business at the Eclipse is going...I'd have to say she can earn her Bachelor's care free. Jerry really is just a friend and I own more than a little of the Eclipse. In fact, my father made me one of only three owners. I get a little less of a cut than Jerry, but when I say little...I mean I'm only getting twenty dollars less than him every two weeks."

His eyebrows twitched toward his hair line.

"And Sam Braun left me about a quarter of a million dollars in his will. My mother got another quarter of a million and the rest of his money is invested in the Eclipse."

"Seriously?"

"Mhm. I lied to Nick a few years back about it. I told him Sam hadn't left anything for me, that it was all invested in the Eclipse. Oh, and I hate being called Kitty Cat."

"I'm glad I never called you that then."

"There's a story behind the nickname too. Would you like me to tell you about that too?"

Without an answer, I told him about Denny and I told him about the case. I left out the part that I'd told Sara about Denny before him, but I'd already told him plenty. Plus, it didn't matter to me who learned what first.

"I don't want you to think I'm only after sex. Although, you should know if I was...I wouldn't need to use you to get it."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"If I really only wanted sex, I wouldn't take advantage of you to get it. You told me about your son and you admitted being lonely and a relationship based solely on sex doesn't require me to know a damn thing about you or you to know a damn thing about me. And you have to admit...you did know a few things about me before the first time we first had sex."

"Like what," he laughed.

"My age, that I have a daughter, I wasn't always grave shift supervisor, and we'd worked several cases together. It's not like we were complete strangers hooking up. We knew each other."

He chuckled.

"Barely."

"Yeah, but...it's enough to convince you I wasn't just out for sex...right?"

He paused and let his smile fade a little, but he kept his mood light and didn't indicate he'd hurt me with whatever he was about to say.

"Yeah, it's enough."

"So...can we officially say we're okay again?"

He nodded, grabbed me by my wrists and pulled me into him for a kiss. When we parted, I felt something strange in the pit of my stomach. It wasn't right. Making up with him didn't fix anything for me. It should've changed things, but I only felt lonelier than I had before I called him. It didn't make sense.

He smiled at me and I smiled back in order to keep him around this time. I guess I felt it was better to be alone with someone else around than be alone with only four walls to call your friends.

"Why don't I take you out on a date," he continued to smile.

"Why can't we just stay here?"

"I can work with that," his smile spread.

He dragged me into the kitchen and immediately opened the refrigerator.

"What are you doing," I giggled.

"We can do two things at once. We can have a beautiful date and we can officially make up," he looked at me with twinkling eyes.

The date, I knew at that point, would end in sex, something I didn't want after the twisting pain in my stomach, the spinning confusion in my mind, and the twinge of sorrow in my heart. Fixing things with Lou wasn't what I wanted. At least, I didn't want to tell him the things I had and I didn't want to fix things the way he wanted them fixed. I didn't want to compromise. Not with him.

Lou took chocolate syrup, the container of strawberries I'd offered to Sara the day before, and my last can of whipped cream. He drizzled the syrup on a strawberry and fed it to me. I went along with it, knowing I was about to get sticky and need to do some serious clean up, but it was what I had to do...for him.

After two depressing hours filled with tiring sex involving licking off chocolate syrup and whipped cream from places I wished I hadn't as well as places I wished he hadn't, I slipped out of bed and stood under the water of my shower for a good half hour. I wanted it all off me, the syrup, the whipped cream, his kisses, his smiles, his words, his hands...him. I wanted him gone, down the drain, out of my life.

And I cried. I cried for the next fifteen minutes as I pruned under the warm water that should have calmed me. Nothing seemed to work. I was stuck in a dreaded funk. I couldn't escape the sadness or confusion and I most definitely couldn't escape him.

When I stepped out of the shower and swiped the mirror to get rid of the steam that clung to it, I met red, puffy eyes. I tried to cover up all the obvious signs that I'd cried. I didn't want him to ask questions and I didn't want to make up lame excuses I'd have to remember later. Keeping secrets seemed much better than lying and I guess that's why I liked to keep to myself more and more those days.

I got out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel and saw Lou sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I didn't bother to fake a smile.

At least then I officially knew I wasn't after him for sex.

I changed into something appropriate for work and headed downstairs as I distanced myself again. _What the hell is wrong with you, Catherine, _I thought as I went straight to the television to watch anything but the complications of my life.

"Should I go," Lou sighed as he walked into the living room with his shirt in hand, his pants completely on. "I mean...are we going to have a repeat performance of that night?"

"Not if you go," I flatly said.

I put down the remote and looked over at him, unbelievably comfortable in the loveseat.

"I don't know what's going on with me right now, but I do know I don't want you to suffer because I'm...not feeling like myself."

"Okay," he gently nodded.

He crossed the living room to me and gave me a kiss on my temple. I faintly smiled at his caring actions, but I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I wasn't going to cry in front of him. I wasn't going to cry at all. I didn't even know why I wanted to cry. Too many emotions, too many realizations, too much estrogen. It could have been anything, but I wasn't going to fall victim to my body's sick joke of telling me I was getting older and everything would make me cry Justin Timberlake a river.

Lou left and I was alone again. I didn't cry. I didn't care. I stared at the TV as though I had nothing to live for and I truly believed it. Fifty-two and bored. Fifty-two and tired. Fifty-two and desperately looking for answers or a way out. Fifty-two and hoping my daughter didn't see me at my worst. Fifty-two and waiting for a cancer diagnosis so I could finally be free. Fifty-two and waiting for something...but what?

I called Jerry after a long twelve minutes of self-loathing and told him he'd see me in ten minutes or less. When I got to the Eclipse, I saw Denny asking for a room upgrade to accommodate his girls, girls I figured he picked up by the pool.

The woman behind the desk appeared ill thanks the slime ball so I sauntered over to her and she took a deep breath as I stepped behind the desk.

"Elizabeth, what's the problem," I looked between her and Denny.

"I want a bigger room," he smugly stared at me.

"Pull up his gambling record please," I told Elizabeth.

She did as she was told and started to relax the more I paid attention to the guest rather than her. She was one of the employees that constantly worried about her job when I was around, but also looked up to me. She was one of the few employees I actually liked and she was one of the few employees I really knew anything about.

When his records popped onto the screen, I noticed he'd been staying there two weeks and only placed three bets. He'd played a couple of hands then left the table. He didn't deserve an upgrade according to the Eclipse's policy and he didn't entirely deserve the room he currently resided in then.

"I'm sorry, but you haven't been at the tables long enough. So you have one of two choices: you can stay in the same room you're in now or you can get downsized to even an less luxurious room."

He scoffed.

"You're just doing this to spite me. I want to talk to the manager."

"What's your complaint," Jerry asked as he stepped behind me.

"She and I have a history so she's purposely looking for any reason to make me miserable."

"I checked his gambling log," I pointed to the computer. "He wanted an upgrade so I asked Elizabeth to bring it up."

Jerry looked over my shoulder and studied the screen.

"I'm sorry, sir, but you haven't played enough for an upgrade unless you're willing to pay extra for it."

"You've got to be kidding me!"

He let go of the girls on either side of him and they clearly found him less attractive when he got angry. I didn't understand how they found him attractive at all, but everyone has their preference.

"Sir, if you don't calm down I'll have to get security escort you off the premises."

"Right because that's fair! That bitch," he vengefully pointed at me. "Hates me because I tried to teach her a lesson! Let it go, you whore! You deserved what you almost got and you know it!"

I rolled my eyes as Jerry waved over security.

"I can't believe Eddie even cared about you when he'd already found someone else to entertain him. Not to mention the coke that kept him strung out so he didn't need a thing."

The girls walked away and security grabbed him from behind before they roughly hustled him out the door.

"Now he doesn't need a room," Jerry smiled as he placed his hand on the small of my back with an effortless, feather-like touch. "You wanted to talk?"

We headed up to his office and it reminded me of Sam's office at the Rampart. I guess I looked taken aback because Jerry made a comment.

"Sam wanted to keep things similar in construction to the Rampart, at least for the offices. Can I get you a drink?"

I smiled.

"Sure."

"Something...alcoholic or is water fine?"

"To tell you the truth," I sighed. "I don't know what I want."

"Then you probably need something with a little edge," he smiled.

I softly chuckled and took a seat on the long, leather couch that ran along one of the office walls.

"So..what brings you here? Another case?"

"Actually...it's personal this time."

"Really? You trust me enough to confide in me?"

"I don't know who else to go to."

"Well, I'd hate to crush your trust by talking about something else for a minute, but...have you thought any more about my offer?"

"I have. I'm still undecided, but I think if you keep telling me about all the benefits of working here...I'll come around quickly."

He handed me a flask he kept locked away in his secret liquor drawer and I didn't ask any questions as to the content.

"You're not afraid I slipped something in it?"

I giggled.

"Should I?"

"No, I like you too much to take advantage of you. Sam also talked to me about you before he was killed. I'm so sorry you had to see that by the way."

"Thanks."

I took a big gulp from the flask. It immediately burned my throat and I made a sour face.

"You okay," he laughed.

I coughed and nodded.

"A little stronger than I expected."

"I trust you can hold your liquor?"

"Oh, yeah...I'll be fine," I felt myself make a funny face.

He lightly laughed and sat next to me on the couch.

"What...did my dad talk to you about...involving me?"

"Hmm?"

"You said Sam talked to you about me before he died."

"Oh, right. He told me to watch your back, protect you from people like Denis Chapman."

"I can take care of myself."

"I know that, but I don't break promises, especially not to Sam, and I promised I'd look after you. So far, you haven't needed me to step in."

"Do you expect me to need you?"

"No, but you're here, aren't you?"

I nervously laughed.

"True."

"So...what's on your mind?"

I sighed and looked at him. At that point, the third day was the longest day.

**...**

_**Thanks for reading. Don't forget to review. :D**_

_**I'll make you a deal, give me at least 25 REVIEWS ON THIS CHAPTER AND I'LL GIVE YOU CHAPTER 4 BY THURSDAY!**_


	4. Chapter 4

**_ Thanks for sticking with me this long. Since I was running too behind on days, I skipped a few, but it all works out. ;) Oh, and a spoiler just because I'm extra nice...I will be including New Years in this story and someone hoped Lindsey would be in this story. Of course she is! I can't bring in Catherine's sister and not have Lindsey in it at all! She'll be in it closer to Christmas. _****_Oh, and I didn't get as many reviews as i wanted, but I finished the chapter today...so I figured I might as well give it to you. :) So...here it is, the latest and greatest. :) Enjoy._**

**Chapter Four**

**"The Help"**

I panted as my heart pounded loudly in my chest. Sweat tumbled down my back as well as between my shoulder blades and some even managed to roll off my thighs. I zoned out from the pleasure moments ago and my eyes needed to readjust. I tried to control my breathing and remember how I got there. In fact, I couldn't even remember where I was.

"Oh, my god," I heard a deep voice pant beside me.

I turned my head and saw Jerry. Three days ago, he and I'd talked about his offer for me to work at the Eclipse full time and get the full benefits of being on top in the casino world. Next thing I knew, it was the sixth of December and I'd let him pin me down on the couch in his office and show me a damn good time. I hardly even remembered the days in between.

"What just happened," I mindlessly asked as I refocused my attention on the ceiling.

"I just broke a promise," he ignored me, trapped in his own haunting thoughts.

I had just cheated on Lou with a guy I swore was only a friend. I never liked people that cheated and yet, there I was, tangled in Jerry's bed sheets with our legs locked and bodies rid of tension.

"I can't believe I just did that," I softly said.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...oh, my god! I had you pinned, your legs practically behind your head, on the couch in my office."

I didn't complain about what he did to me. I actually enjoyed it much more than I thought I could enjoy any kind of sex. What did he give me that Lou hadn't, couldn't?

I inwardly groaned because I'd put myself in the same train of thought that put me in a funk three days before.

"You mentioned a boyfriend?"

I squeezed my eyes shut to will away all the angering, painful thoughts that screamed at me until I saw how truly pathetic I was.

"Yeah...he's a cop."

"Oh, boy."

"We had an argument, but we got past it the day I came to talk to you."

"Before or after you came to the casino?"

"Before, but...what difference does it make?"

"It's doesn't," he sighed before he sat up, his legs draped over the edge of his bed. "You should go."

I bit my lip and wished I didn't want him, but something about his pushing me away, something about how being together was almost forbidden, pulled me in.

"Do you want me to leave," I asked as I crawled to him and hugged him from hind, my hands clasped together across his collarbone.

I felt him slouch in defeat and heard a small sigh escape.

"No, but you should."

"Since when do I ever do what I _should _do?"

"Catherine...I know what you're trying to do. I remember you from when I worked with Sam, pushing all the right buttons, trying to get your way."

I kissed his neck.

"Is it working?"

He moaned.

"I don't think I can. Not again and not now that I'm thinking clearly about how I'm helping you cheat."

"That's my problem, not yours."

"I promised Sam-"

"And he's not here. Please. I need you. Promise you'll help me?"

I didn't know what had come over me, but I wanted Jerry to help me in away I didn't think anyone else could. He took everything away, all the pain, the sadness, the confusion. I only thought about what he did to me, where he took me, how much longer he could hold out, how much more he could make me see stars until I rode the wave of my orgasm.

Jerry met my eyes and I bit my lip again while my fingertip traveled down his sternum to top of his waistline.

"How are you so good at that?"

I backed away to give him space to turn around and immediately, he threw himself at me. I smiled and already felt complete. He made me feel better and he made me forget. I hated myself for using him and I hated myself for not asking what he really wanted. I took advantage of him, something he told me he'd never do to me. I was selfish, but he had a gift. He knew how to get me off and he could go at it a while when he was only five years younger than me.

I didn't leave his place until after he fed me breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I'd skipped work the night before so I needed to go in after dinner, but had he had his way I would've stayed for desert. Of course, I told him he should go to work since he played hookey all day and the Eclipse needed him. He told me the Eclipse needed me and left it at that.

When I got to work, I felt miserable. I didn't want to be there because it reminded me of all the stupid things I'd done. I saw Sara talking to Greg and crumbled on the inside. I realized even though she'd offered to save me, I didn't want to dump my problems on her. I didn't want her to drown in things that didn't effect her. I also didn't want to need someone to save me.

Sara looked up and saw me watching through the glass walls as I headed to my office. She stared into my eyes silently asking if I wanted to talk, but I let my eyes fall to the floor and kept walking. I still wanted her to reach out and her expression told me she'd do just that, but I couldn't tell her what I did with Jerry. I couldn't tell her anything for fear she'd judge me, but I wanted to tell her everything. Somehow I knew out of all the people I could tell, she was the only one that would actually be there for me.

I sighed and shut the door behind me when I stepped into my office. I covered my eyes with my hands, held back plenty of tears, and slid down the door until I sat on the floor. I clenched my jaw and desperately tried to erase my memory. If I'd stayed with Jerry, I wouldn't have had to face the fact I was an adulterer.

My phone rang and I momentarily jumped out my skin. I took a few deep breaths to calm down before I got up and walked over to my desk.

"Willows," I flatly answered.

"Catherine, it's Jerry."

"Je- Why are you calling me at work?"

"I know I probably shouldn't have, but I thought you'd want to know...you left your purse here. I didn't go through it, but I'm assuming your cell phone is in it. Hence me calling you at work."

"Oh. Right. I, uh, I guess I forgot to grab it when I left," I tried not to sound like I wanted to shoot myself. How could I have forgotten to grab my purse?

I had two options. One, I could go back to his place to get my purse, which would most likely lead to more sex, or two, I could leave my purse with him the rest of shift and hope nobody called me.

"Catherine...you still there?"

"Yeah, yes. I was just thinking."

"You can come back to get it, you know."

"Are you still at home?"

"Yeah, I was gonna go to the Eclipse for a few hours, but-"

"No, it's okay. You should go."

"When do I ever do what I should," I could hear him grin.

I bit my lip and tried my hardest not to smile.

"If you want to come get your purse now, but you want me to go in...I'll leave the door unlocked and a spare key on the dining room table with your purse. Feel free to take the key with you after you lock up the house."

I couldn't breathe. We'd spent one day together, had way too much sex that we both didn't mind, and he wanted me to take a spare so I could drop by any time. I didn't know if I wanted to cheat on Lou again, especially with Jerry considering what I told Lou about him when he saw us hug.

"Catherine," he chuckled. "Did I lose you somewhere?"

"Key," I sputtered out as I feel into my desk chair.

I seriously couldn't breathe. It felt like my heart would break out of my chest and the lump in my throat brought me closer to suffocation every time I tried to swallow.

"Catherine," he said with concern. "Are you okay? What's going on?"

I heard a knock at the door and the room started to spin. I could hear my heart pounding and the corners of my vision turned into a white blur. I guessed I was having a panic attack, but everything moved so fast I really couldn't tell what was happening.

I barely saw my office door swing open when I dropped the phone and I almost didn't hear Jerry yell out to me upon it hitting the floor.

"Catherine?"

It wasn't Jerry I heard call my name that time.

"Breathe, Catherine. Relax," I heard the voice say as a delicate hand grabbed me by the base of my neck.

The other hand gently pressed against the center of my chest. I sighed and felt my legs wobble even though I started to relax.

"Are you okay," I heard as the face attached to the voice became clear.

"What's going on? Catherine?"

Sara picked up the phone and put it to her ear.

"She's okay. I'll have her call you back in a little while. ...Panic attack. I don't know the cause."

She walked back to me and put her hand on my shoulder.

"Better," she asked.

I nodded and tried to even my breathing since I had Sara to help calm me.

"She'll be fine."

She hung up and guided me to my chair.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"U-uh, I don't...I-I don't know."

I wanted to tell her, but I couldn't. I always wanted to tell her, but I couldn't. I wanted to throw up. That I could do.

"What's going on with you? You missed work last night and didn't call in. Nick said he kept trying to call you, but you never answered. Now you're having panic attacks at work and you don't want to talk. Stress explains the attack...but what aren't you telling me?"

"Everything," I blurted as I stared at my feet. I looked up a couple beats after I said it, though.

"Do you want to talk?"

"Yes, of course I do...but I can't."

"Why?"

"It's complicated. Look, thanks for helping me, but I'm okay now," I strongly said as though I had any control over myself or my emotions.

"Don't try and pull your supervisor bullshit with me. You can tell me anything."

"I know, but...I can't."

"Why not?"

I could hear the agitation in her voice. I was going to push her too far away for her to want to reach out to me anymore. I didn't want that.

"It's about Lou," I sighed and appeared on the verge of tears.

She went to the door, locked it, and drew the blinds. On her way back to me, she took one of the chairs from the other side of my desk and set it up next to mine, facing me.

"I'm listening."

"It's...too much. I don't..."

She touched my hand and gently squeezed.

"Whatever it is, you can trust me. I'm not going to ridicule you or anything. I'm just a pair of ears."

I smiled.

"Great. Now every time I look at you, I'll see a giant pair of ears."

She softly chuckled and let her hands slide off my hand.

"Seriously. What's up?

I took a deep breath.

"I messed up. I..I...cheated on him."

"Do you know why," she calmly asked.

"Not really. I just... We made up. Remember, we fought outside interrogation?"

She nodded.

"Well, we talked about it and we worked it out. But...after... I ju- it didn't feel right."

I continued to tell her everything I'd felt when I'd made up with Lou and how I'd felt when I was with Jerry. I didn't know if I wanted her to know about Jerry, but I'd already told her everything else...so I told her about him too.

"Is he the one that was on the phone?"

"Yeah...I left my purse at his place."

"I told him you'd call back."

I nodded.

"He...he wanted to leave me a spare key. What am I going to do?"

"You said you told him about Lou, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, do you want to be with him instead?"

"Be with...Jerry?"

"Yeah, you said he helps."

"How is it that you're okay with this?"

"I've never cheated on Gil if that's what you're thinking. I guess I just...understand."

I furrowed my brow and wondered what she meant.

"Look, I might not understand from experience, but...I can imagine what it's like. So...what can I do?"

I shook my head.

"No, no you've helped enough. This is stuff I need to deal with by myself."

"I hate to say this, but...that doesn't seem to work in your favor."

"Shut up," I playfully retorted.

"Why don't we clock out early and go get your purse together. Then we can curl up on your couch and watch movies all night."

"We can't clock out early."

"Why not? You're the boss. You can let anyone leave whenever you think it's necessary."

"What about me? I can't go home because of whatever."

"Nick covered shift last night. He'll be fine. Just say you're not at your best and might compromise a case because of a simple error like overlooking something or accidentally contaminating evidence."

"You've really thought this through, haven't you?'

"How do you think I got all those extra vacation days when Gil was still the boss," she grinned.

"I can't, Sara," I whined after a beat.

"You need a real night off. Not like last night."

"I feel like an addict or something. You want to come home with me so I don't go to Jerry again and you want to tag along to get my purse so I don't lose control."

"You're not an addict. You're vulnerable."

"In my world, they eventually mean the same thing."

I didn't want to leave work early because I didn't have a good enough reason, and as persuasive as Sara can be, we made a decision to stay throughout shift and fill out paperwork for the case we'd recently wrapped. We did leave straight after shift ended, though.

"Jerry, I'm on my way," I called him from the car. "Are you there?"

"Yeah, I got in a couple hours ago. Are you okay?"

"Were you sleeping?"

"I tried to, but...I was worried about you."

"I'm fine," I smiled. "Uh, I won't be long. I'm just going to grab my purse and go home."

"You can stay longer if you'd like. I'm a good listener."

"I'm sure you are, but...it's fine. I'm really okay," I continued to smile, glad he cared that much about me.

"You should stay," he tried to coax me.

"I'm with a friend."

"You don't have to be."

"Jerry," I warned.

"Okay, I get it. I'll see you when you get here."

When I hung up, I looked over at Sara. She took her eyes of the road every few seconds to look at me with a small grin and moderately wide eyes.

"What?"

"Do you like him?"

"I...like the way he makes me feel."

She slowly nodded as she looked back at the road.

"What about Lou?"

"I don't know anymore. He just...a drag?"

"Sound too harsh?"

"Yeah, but...Nancy told me I've gotten boring while I'm with him and...every time we're together, it feels like there's something missing."

"And why haven't you ended it?"

"He's a nice guy."

"And you usually go for assholes."

"That's not the point," I looked at her with a serious expression.

"Isn't it, though," she smugly stated.

"Okay, it is the point. Lou's nice and he really cares about me, but...I don't know. It's just not good enough. Do I really need assholes around me all the time to be truly satisfied?"

"No, you probably just...need a little more spark."

"And the jerks I've dated gave me that?"

"Maybe, but it obviously wasn't enough for you to overlook the ways they hurt you, which is a good thing in case you didn't know.

"Thanks. ...I guess I'm just screwed up."

"No, you're not."

"Then tell me you have the same problem."

"I can't say I do, but my college girlfriend did. She always needed more from me and I always tried, but one too many fights later and I finally ended it for good."

"You...had a girlfriend?"

"Uh, yeah," she slowly said as though she'd forgotten she didn't want me to know that. "It was college, a time to experiment, and I didn't exactly come from a loving family background."

"Hey, you don't have to prove anything to me," I reach out and placed my hand on her thigh.

She nodded.

"I don't know why I felt the need to explain. I guess I'm just used to it."

"This ex-girlfriend of yours...do I remind you of her?"

"Oh...god no! No, you're fine. She just...didn't know what she wanted."

I groaned and sighed as my hand slid off her thigh and onto the arm rest.

"_I _don't know what I want."

"I think you do. You just don't to admit it to yourself because you're afraid of who you'll hurt and what you'll find out."

"Find out about what?"

"Yourself...what other people really think of you...who your real friends are."

I rubbed my forehead and closed my eyes.

"I think I'm gonna have another panic attack."

"No, you won't," she sternly said as he grabbed my hand. "Don't think about it all at once."

Her fingers laced with mine and I instinctively squeezed her hand. She didn't take her eyes off the road, but I noticed her smiling. I didn't know what it meant, but I liked it when she smiled. I didn't want her to stop.

When we got to Jerry's house, several lights were on and I couldn't breathe again. Sara let go of my hand to put the car in park, but she took my hand again once the car was stationary.

"I'm right here. You don't have to stay long."

I nodded and took a few calming breaths. When I was ready, I took of my seat belt and opened the door.

"Uh, Catherine?"

"Hmm," I turned to her before I tried to jump out of the car.

"Are you gonna let go of my hand?"

"Oh...right."

I wondered why she hadn't let go herself, but I had time to ask her about it later if I really want to know.

I tried to keep calm as I walked up to the front door. My shaking hands didn't help and the fact that I had Sara waiting for me made the entire situation awkward, but I got to the door anyway and knocked before I pushed it open.

"Jerry?"

"Catherine," he smiled as he bounded down the stairs. "I'm glad you're okay. You really worried me over the phone."

"I know. I'm sorry. I actually kind of scared myself," I attempted to laugh it off.

"Can I get you some coffee, tea maybe?"

"Uh, no...thanks. I've got to get going."

He invaded my personal space and wrapped is arms around my waist.

"Stay. We can talk or sleep. Whatever."

"My friend drove me. She's waiting for me outside."

"Oh," he looked disappointed. "Your purse is still on the table. The key is there to."

"I don't think taking the key is a good idea."

"Catherine-"

"Lou asked me to move in with him and I declined. If I took the spare...that's an even bigger slap in the face for him."

"He doesn't have to know."

"I can't be with you," I blurted. "I came to you when I was weak and I let things go too far. I'm sorry."

"If you weren't with him," he gently grabbed my forearm. "Would you be with me?"

"You mean...if he and I broke up?"

He nodded.

"No, but maybe if he and I never got together..."

"Right. I get it. It shouldn't have happened anyway."

At that point, if I did take his offer at the Eclipse, things would be sufficiently awkward.

I went into the dining room, picked up my purse and headed to the door. He stopped me in the doorway after I opened it and pulled me into him. He deeply kissed me as his tongue glided all over mine. We were so close, no space between us, that I felt like our bodies had molded together and we'd never separate. Of course, we did separate and I felt depressed for hurting him, but I also felt like an idiot because Sara saw me give in.

"I'll talk to you later," I quietly said as I slipped past him and got into Sara's car. "Why can't I stop?"

"Because you're lonely, but that's what I'm here for," she smiled and rubbed my knee. "Did you take the key?"

I shook my head, on the verge of tears.

"That's progress."

I shrugged.

"I just want to go home," I tiredly said. "I'm exhausted."

She nodded and drove me home like I wanted. Once I was home she let me shuffle off to bed, but within a few minutes she joined me in my bedroom with hot chocolate and a movie.

"I thought I'd bring the movie to you since you're feeling down. I hope the hot chocolate cheers you up a little."

I smiled.

"Thank you."

She popped in the movie and came to lay next to me on my bed.  
"Do you feel lonely now?"

"No," a small smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. "You've been a huge help."

"It's been my pleasure."

I snuggled into her side and closed my eyes. Everything with her was simple. She didn't judge me. She didn't want me. She didn't interrogate me wen I apparently messed up. She made it easy to keep my head above water, so to speak.

"Thanks for being here."

"Like I said...it's been my pleasure."

"Why do you care what's going on with me?"

"What kind of question is that," she laughed. "You're my friend and I hate to see you down in the dumps like this. ...And I really like spending time with you regardless."

I smiled again and felt myself drift into a deep sleep. December sixth, maybe one of the more positive days out of the month.

**...**

_**Please, please, please! REVIEW! I'm hoping I get at least 10-15 reviews on this chapter now that Catherine and Sara have had a little more interaction. :) **_


	5. Chapter 5

**_Finally, I got into onto the computer! :) Enjoy the update. _**

**Chapter Five**

**"The Promise"**

I woke up nestled into Sara Sidle's side and felt as light as a feather, ready to conquer the day ahead of me. I smiled as I took a long, deep breath and slowly reopened my eyes to see the beautiful morning sun. Sara rolled closer to me, our arms on top of one another.

"Morning," she smiled.

"Morning," I smiled back.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like I'm twenty again," I sighed deeper into relation.

She laughed.

"Because of me?"

"Yeah, you should move in with me," I lightly joked. "You'd do me wonders by just being around all the time."

"Well, I gotta tell you...if I'd have known how amazing this mattress is, I would've hung out with you every day, all day for a chance to sleep on it," she smiled as she stretched.

I shook my head with a smile.

"Are you going to take a shower here?"

"Mm...I don't know. All of my clothes are at my place. If I take a shower here, what clean clothes do I have to put ob?"

"Some of mine."

"But what will the guys think," she widened her eyes and feigned shock.

"We'll just give them a little something to talk about," I casually explained.

She smiled.

"As long as it doesn't get back to Gil, I'm okay with that."

I smiled, but my happiness was short lived when I heard my phone buzz. I opened my purse, which I'd placed on my nightstand after I got it back, and puled out my cell to check the caller ID.

I sighed. _Lou._

Sara pretended to act sly and took the phone from me. She knew he and I should talk so what she did next surprised me.

She turned off my phone and tossed it aside, out of sight, out of mind. She then rolled into me and snuggled into my side.

"There's always mid-afternoon to talk to him."

I bit my lip and tried not to feel overly elated she wanted was happier than my daughter the first time I took her to Disney World. I wanted to jump and scream and bounce off the walls with the rush Sara seemed to give me. I guess I was glad I wasn't alone anymore.

"So...what do you want to do," I asked.

"I like what we're doing now."

I grinned from ear to ear. I liked what we were doing, too.

She moved her free hand to my stomach and made light, circular patterns around my naval and on my love handles. I giggled as butterflies fluttered around in my stomach with every touch.

"What happened after you left," I asked after my giggles subsided.

"What do you mean," she mumbled into my side.

"When you came back last year...you were different. You're still different. You're...calm and...I don't know. Just...different."

"I just...got some fresh air."

"All around the world?"

She smiled and rested her head on my chest. It reminded me of the days when I had to take care of Lindsey. Whether she was sick, tired, or wanted to be with me, she always curled up in my bed with me. Those are the days I would always miss.

"Not the _whole _world," she smiled. "I wanted to get away. I couldn't handle all the struggles the cases brought me. My past started to eat away at me little by little with each case I worked. A change in scenery really helped."

"And...what happened when Gil came to you?"

"Everything changed. I was facing all the new, exciting things along anymore. I had my best friend there with me one hundred percent impart more wisdom, keep me company, and make me even happier than I was when I traveled alone."

"If you were happy...why'd you come back?"

"I missed the rest of my family. Gil started lecturing again and I needed something else to do other than wait around for him to come home." She waited several beats before she continued. "I have some news."

I looked down at her with a furrowed brow.

"I'm pregnant."

My mouth flew open.

"How far along?"

"Almost three months."

"Oh...wow. Gil knows, right?"

"Yeah, but...you're the only other one that knows."

"Wow...that's great," I smiled. "What about morning sickness? How's that going?"

"Horribly," she laughed. "I have my good days and I have those days when I need to miss work."

"Right. All those sick days at the end of the month last month."

"Yeah. God thing I've got a great boss that won't fire me for not showing up to work almost every other night," she smiled.

"Lucky for you," I grinned when I saw her look at me like she hoped she was right, but she also smiled liked she knew she was right. "Are you going to tell the guys?"

"I'm going to have to eventually. I just...don't know how it'll come up in conversation."

"You mean...if you tell them as a group?"

She nodded.

"Tell them separately," I suggested. "Sure, you'll have to say 'I'm pregnant' a lot, but it'll be easier than telling them as a group. It's not as awkward."

She smiled.

"Thanks. You're really supportive."

"You've been really supportive of me. It's just one way I can return the favor."

She stopped making patterns on my stomach and draped her arm over it.

"Are you okay?"

"Hmm?"

"You seem...sad."

"It's the hormones. I've been moody."

"Is that it?"

"Yeah...I mean, I'm scared, but...I'll be fine."

"Scared of what?"

She sighed.

"Scared I'll end up like my mom."

"What's she like?"

"Schizophrenic. She stabbed my father to death while he was sleeping."

"Oh, Sara...I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's all in the past."

"Well, if I know you the way I think I do...you couldn't be further from her."

"Lately, I'm not sure. Last time I went to see Gil, I yelled at him and thew an expensive glass vase. I calmed down, but I know I worried him and I hated myself for behaving that way."

I started to play with her hair and I kissed the top of her head. She tightened her grip on me and she nuzzled herself further into my side and chest.

"Promise me something," she started. "We're gonna look after each other from now on."

I smiled.

"Sounds like a plan."

"Here's me looking after you," she said as she propped herself up on her forearms, on her stomach, facing me she stayed laid out on the bed. "There's nothing left for you at the lab."

"What do you mean," I furrowed my brow.

"I know you've got some sort of entitlement to the Eclipse. Sam wouldn't have excluded you in a will I'm sure he had drawn up for a while."

I sighed and nodded.

"Whatever opportunity you have there...take it because you'll regret it if you don't."

"How is it you know so much about me?"

"These eyes see everything," she smiled as she widened her eyes.

I laughed.

"Yeah, they do."

She laid herself halfway on top of me and kissed my cheek. I giggled and crinkled my nose.

"Love you," she rested her face on my breast plate.

"Love you, too," I continued to smile.

After an hour of lounging around in bed, Sara and I finally got up, had some food, took showers, and got on with the rest of the day.

"Hey, how are you feeling," Lou asked as he took a seat across from me in the diner.

"Better," I forced a smile.

"I'm glad we can finally talk. Your cellphone was off this morning. I tried to call you-"

"Yeah, I turned it off to sleep in."

"Did you need extra rest?"

"Um, no," I said as I started to feel controlled.

"Then why did you sleep in?"

"I didn't want to get out of bed yet," I quickly put up my defenses.

"Lately, you've been acting strange. Is there something you're not telling me?"

What the hell did he want from me? First, Sara wanted to know what I was holding back and all of a sudden, Lou tried to force it out of me.

"I didn't want to rush around and get things taken care of right away today, is that a problem?"

"No, it's fine, but you could've at least picked up the phone to tell me," he sighed.

"My phone was off," I tried to remain calm, but he knew all the wrong buttons to push.

"Not when I started to call. It took about three rings before the phone went off."

"You want me to tell you I purposely didn't answer your call this morning?"

"If it's the truth!"

I rolled my eyes.

"Of course it's the truth. You already know I didn't answer when you called so why do you need me to tell you something you already know?"

"This is why I don't think I can do this with you!"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

He stood and made a huge scene in front of several patrons. My jaw crashed to the ground and I felt my dignity and integrity would soon be threatened.

"You don't tell me anything! First, you don't tell me about waking up in a motel room sore, sore, with no recollection of the last few hours. Now...you're telling me you dodged my call? What am I supposed to think? And what about Jerry?"

"What about him?"

"Is he why you turned off your phone? Was he with you this morning?"

I stood up and closed the space between us as I attempted to keep our argument semi-private in a public place.

"So what if he was," I growled. "Not everything about my life needs to be on display."

"Right, things like me," he looked disappointed, but kept a stern face as he clenched his fists at his sides.

"You really want to know why I didn't take your call?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Sara turned it off. She was over this morning."

"What was she doing there," he turned his anger into confusion.

"I don't have to tell you because now you know I wasn't cheating on you."

He shook his head and sardonically chuckled.

"You think that's what all this is about?"

"Yeah. You don't like it when I'm with another guy and didn't tell you."

"Because it makes me think you have something to hide!"

I backed off and wondered whether he really trusted me.

"I...I can't do this right now," he carelessly waved his hand in dismissal and walked out of the diner.

I scoffed and hastily grabbed my purse before I stormed out with most all of the people on the diner staring after me. I didn't follow Lou to catch up to him and explain myself. I went to my car and drove off without a second thought.

Even though Lou had put me in a grumpy, clouded mind set, I drove and drove until I reached the Eclipse. I hoped Jerry was there because I was ready. I didn't want to stay as boring and miserable as I'd been for the past several months.

"Ms. Willows," Elizabeth smiled when she saw me enter through the front door.

"Hi," I smiled back. "Is Jerry in his office?"

"Yes, would you like me to call up and tell him you're on your way?"

"Sure, thanks," I bustled through the lobby and headed to the elevators.

I barged into his office a short couple of minutes later and made it clear I was there to get things taken care of as soon as possible.

"Catherine," he said with a bit of surprise to see me. "How are you?"

"I want to work here."

One of his eyebrows shot up and disappeared into his hairline.

"You're sure about this," he stated rather than asked.

I nodded.

"Let me draw up the paperwork," he opened his top desk drawer and pulled out a packet of papers.

He tossed them onto the corner of his desk and got a pen. I sat in one of the chairs on the other side of his desk and took a deep breath as he handed me the pen.

"All you have to do is sign here," he pointed at the marked line.

"That's it?"

"Mhm."

I looked at where I needed to sign and lightly bit my lip before I looked up at Jerry. Decisions, decision.

Within a few hours, I was back at work and desperately wishing I was at home relaxing. Instead, I walked through the lab halls under a spell, my head completely in a different world.

I thought about where things were going with Lou, why I thought Jerry could help when I only put him in a difficult position, and Sara.

"Hey, Cath...have you seen Sara? She came in earlier, but I can't find her," Greg asked as he stopped me in the hall.

"Uh, no, I haven't," I knitted my brow.

"We're supposed to work this case and I haven't seen her since she said to give her a few minutes."

"Uh, I'll see if I can find her for you," the cogs in my brain started to turn. I had a good idea as to where she might have disappeared to.

I scurried toward the ladies' room and, within a matter of seconds, I saw knees ground into the tile floor and heard the distinct sound of a woman in pain.

"Sara?"

I walked to the open stall and looked inside to see Sara hunched over the toilet bowl with shaking hands through her hair a while and I wished there was more I could do for her. I remembered morning sickness, but I don't recall mine being as wicked.

"You okay?"

She took a deep breath and tried to relax her muscles. She eased herself against my thigh, my knee pressed between her shoulder blades. She shook her head and gulped.

"You should go home."

"No...no, it's okay."

"Sara, it's bad tonight. I'll take you home."

"I can't do this."

"Do what?"

"This. Everything. I can't be pregnant!"

"I'm sure it feels like that now..."

"It feels like that _most _of the time."

"Okay," I started as I ran my hand through her hair as I continued to keep it out of her face. "Why don't I take you home and fix you up a few remedies that helped me with my morning sickness."

She hummed.

"That sounds good."

I smiled and helped her to her feet before we shuffled out the door, my hand lightly pressed against her upper back. I saw Nick on our way out of the lab and stopped him short.

"Tell Greg that Sara had to go home. You're in charge of shift tonight."

"Okay, but can I ask what's going on?"

"She's really sick and I'm gonna take her home, make sure she's okay."

He nodded.

"Feel better," he directed at her.

"Thanks," she said before we continued toward the parking lot.

I managed to get directions out of her during the car ride and within fifteen minutes, I saw her new place.

"Wow. I thought you would've taken Gil's townhouse," I gawked in amazement.

"He sold it a couple months after he left Vegas and I started leasing my apartment a few weeks before that."

I nodded.

"Do you make good money leasing?"

"Yeah, that's how Gil and I have afforded this place and our place in France."

"Must be nice."

"It is," she smiled. "It's probably why I haven't felt the need to leave again."

"The back and forth?"

She nodded.

"Between here and there, it helps keep things in perspective and I still get to see the rest of the gang."

I smiled and we got out of the car. The house was semi-quaint in appearance and only had one floor, a perfect fit for her after all the time we'd worked together. So many years had passed and I still couldn't believe it.

I shook my head and regained focus on the reality in front of me: Sara needed me.

She opened the door and breezed inside even as she complained about her dizziness. She swiftly made her way into the kitchen and eased herself into a chair. She rested her head in her arms, which she immediately folded over the counter top. I walked toward her feeling genuine sympathy and, when I reached her, I ran my hand through her hair, my fingers gently tangled in her dark brown, almost black, locks.

"Come on. You need to lay down," I calmly said as she started to pick up her head.

She got up and ushered me to her room, which reflected an extremely calm, sensual personality. I smiled at the sight of her lilac colored walls and milky colored sheets. I noticed how her features softened when she entered the room and the careless, uninhibited way she felt onto her bed, flat on her back.

I walked around to the other side of the bed and sat on the edge. I looked over my shoulder and looked down at her.

"You want something to drink?"

"Not right now," she sleepily said as she relaxed into a state of meditation. "You could sing to the baby though."

I lightly laughed.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, I think you've got a good voice...melodic. Why not use it?"

I held my smile and got comfortable beside her on the bed.

"Any requests?"

She smiled.

"No, the song selection is entirely up to you."

"Okay...let me see..." I said as I browsed my head for a song. Within thirty seconds, I found one. "Got it."

I cleared my throat and shifted positions on the bed.

"You've got your ball you've got your chain tied to me tight, tie me up again. Who's got the claws in you my friend? Into your heart I'll beat again. Sweet like candy to my soul. Sweet you rock and sweet you roll. Lost for you, I'm so lost for you. You come crash into me. And I come into...you. I come into you."

She stared up at me and we locked eyes for a couple minutes. I felt trapped, but in a good way. It seemed like we were connected, inseparable. She broke our silence though, when I assumed the sickness kicked in again.

"I didn't know you listened to Dave Matthews Band," she said as she slowly rubbed her stomach.

"Yeah, that song is actually my favorite."

"Mine too," she smiled. "I'm, um, kind of tired. I don't I think I'll need your miracle remedies after all."

"Okay, but I'll stick around to make sure that's the case."

"You're too kind."

I continued to smile.

"Thanks."

I laid down next to her and curled up comfortably under the sheets. Even though I'd never admit it, I loved spending the night with Sara.

**...**

_**Thanks for reading. A little heads up, I'm gonna skip about a week in the story to keep up with the date, but it'll all work with the story. :) **_

_**PLEASE REVIEW. I'll try to get the next chapter out by tomorrow, but I haven't been feeling well and I've been swamped with school and family things...but hopefully, I'll get the update out. **_


	6. Chapter 6

**_Like I said, I skipped quite a few days, but it should all work out. I'm happy to get this update out and I didn't expect things to move this quickly, but it just came pouring out of me so...it's out in the universe and I've got to make it work. ;) Enjoy. :)_**

**Chapter Six**

**"The Trouble"**

I held back her hair in the middle of the night as she struggled to fight back tears while her head hardly ever saw above the toilet seat. We fell asleep on the bathroom floor, her head in my lap with my hand in her hair. When I woke up, I was confused at first as I wondered where the hell I was, but I looked down at my lap and the puzzle pieces put themselves together for me. I stroked Sara's hair and smiled before I tried to stretch myself out. I hated sleeping on floors, against bath tubs, and with someone smothering me as they slept almost completely on top of me. I hated it because it always messed up my back and neck, which made it hard to stay calm and relaxed all day. Of course, things were different because of her.

Sara changed things and I didn't understand why. I always thought that Lou changed things, but he only seemed to make them worse. I didn't want to think about him, though. I was with Sara and she needed me, so I put Lou in the back of my mind and didn't dare let his name slip.

That was a week before Sara left for France. I started to miss her immediately after she left for the airport and I thought, _How pathetic! _I couldn't go a few minutes without her if I knew I wouldn't see her for another week. Thank god Lindsey came home when I was at work. I couldn't wait to see her, see how much she did or didn't change now that she was a college freshman. I wanted to do nothing more than give her a big hug and ground her so she'd never leave me to my own devices again.

When I got home, I was defeated, but I knew if I could just see my little girl's face that I'd snap to attention. I dropped my keys on the end table by the stairs and tussled my hair as though to rid myself of the dirt and grease I felt creep up my back and delve into every last pore. I sighed and shuffled into the kitchen for breakfast. Upon entry, I saw Lindsey sitting at the table with her laptop open in front of her as she typed away. She noticed me in the doorway and turned to me with a smile.

"Hi," she smiled and greeted me with the same joyful tone I missed.

One thing I didn't remember missing was her dark brown hair cut down to her shoulders instead of her chest.

"Did you dye your hair?"

She laughed.

"And cut it. Nice to see you too, Mom."

"Oh, what am I thinking. Hi," I laughed.

"Are you happy to have me back for the holidays?"

"You'll never know how happy."

"Well, maybe I will...some day."

"Don't tell me you're already thinking about giving me grandchildren."

She laughed again.

"Of course not, but I do have a boyfriend."

"Already? You've only been in school for a few months!"

"I know, Mom. Calm down. I met him the first day. He's an English major, he's really sweet, and he's a third year."

"An older guy. Of course," I sighed.

"I don't mean to give you a heart attack. You really should meet him, though. ...Speaking of boyfriends, how's Lou?"

"Eh."

"Don't tell me there's trouble in paradise."

"It's nothing you need to worry about."

"Just tell me...can I look forward to calling him Step Dad in the future or not?"

"Lindsey," I warned.

"Fine, okay. I'll leave it alone. But if you really want my opinion, he was good for you...for a while."

"Uh, thanks, but no thanks, Linds. I really don't want to talk about my relationship with my eighteen year old daughter."

She rolled her eyes with a smile and shook her head before she leaned into me for a hug. I smiled and wrapped my arms around her upper back and held her close.

"I'm glad you're home."

"Me too. Even though I'm gonna hate admitting this...I missed you."

I lightly laughed.

"That's fine with me because I really missed you."

We separated and I inched toward her laptop to see what she was working on.

"What's going on here?"

"Oh, I'm working on a paper for my English class and Danny's helping me through IM since he's already taken the class."

"Danny...your boyfriend?"

"Yeah, he's been great. I got an A on my last paper thanks to him."

"And what kind of grades were you getting before he started helping?"

"B's."

"Ah," I slowly nodded.

"You want to video chat with him? I know it's a lame way to meet, but...it's something, isn't it?"

I laughed and noticed her type a few things about me into the conversation. A quick second later there was a response.

"He says he wouldn't mind a video chat with us."

"Wow."

"I told you he was nice."

"Okay. Set it up."

She smiled.

"A few things I'm sure you don't know, _grandma_, this is the camera," she pointed to a small circle at the top of the screen. "There's gonna be a display in this conversation box where you'll be able to see him and I've got a sound card so you should be able to hear him too."

"Okay," I tried to pick it all up in the blink of an eye. "Was it really necessary to call me grandma?"

"Always," she laughed.

I scoffed and playfully slapped her arm.

"That's not nice."

"I know, respect my elders."

"That's right," I pointed a finger at her with a serious expression even though I wasn't too serious about it.

Within a few seconds or so, Lindsey had the picture up and running and I could see a scruffy, light brown haired man on the screen.

"Damn, Linds. How old _is_ he? He looks like he's thirty!"

"Hello to you too, Miss Willows," he smiled. "I'm Dan Richter. Everyone calls me Danny, though."

"Oh, I'm sorry. You just...surprised me."

He laughed.

"That's fine. I've been meaning to shave since last weekend."

"I keep nagging him about it, too," Lindsey pursed her lips to conceal a smile as she looked straight at him.

He smiled.

"And I promise by the time you get back to campus...my Sasquatch face will be gone."

Her lips curled into a smile and I couldn't help but smile at the sight.

"Are you still at school," I asked after a beat.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Why? Don't you have parents to get home to?"

"I'm working on something with one of my professors."

"He's trying to be a teacher's aid so future employers will want him more," Lindsey chimed in.

I nodded.

"If it's no trouble, though, Miss Willows...I'd like to come visit with Lindsey this Christmas. My parents are expecting me for New Years so I was going to bring her to them then."

"That sounds like a plan. You've really thought about this, haven't you?"

"When I get into a relationship, I get serious. Of course, I've only been a few relationships so don't think I put myself out there all the time."

"He's incredibly reserved," Lindsey informed me. "Isn't he great?"

I smiled and looked at him once more.

"I guess you're not heart attack worthy."

He smiled.

"Good to know. My parents will be pleased to know they raised me right."

"I'm sure they will."

"Lindsey can tell you all about them. There's really nothing we haven't talked about so she could probably tell you my entire life story," he chuckled.

"It's true," Lindsey started. "He and I don't hold back. I've told him plenty about you and dad. He knows me well and I trust him."

"Just like I trust her," he smiled at her.

I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to. Lindsey was all grown up already, handling school well, in a serious relationship with a nice guy, and able to take time to spend with her depressed, kill joy mother for the holidays. It was nice to see her happy and in a healthy relationship, but it was hard to see myself as the mother of that child just yet. Things seemed to be changing all too quickly around me and I felt like my world was spinning wildly out of control. Guess that's the definition of motherhood.

"I don't see the problem with you coming here for Christmas," I finally answered.

They both smiled at each other before they said anything else.

"Thanks, Mom."

"Your welcome."

"So, Miss Willows...Lindsey tells me you own some of the Eclipse. How's business?"

"Uh, it's fine," I tried to shrug it off even though his question had caught me off guard.

"Oh, how's Jerry," Lindsey asked.

"He's...good."

I mentally groaned and desperately wanted to smack myself in the head. I didn't have to tell Lindsey about him and me, but I felt guilty and wrong for keeping it a secret. I told Sara, but I wouldn't tell my own daughter who maybe had some kind of right to know.

"Has he convinced you to help manage the place yet," she smiled and nudged me.

"Maybe," I tried to avoid questions involving Jerry and the Eclipse.

"Well, maybe we shouldn't talk about business," Danny said. "I hear you've got yourself a boyfriend. A cop, no less."

"Uh, yes, I do."

"I'm guessing you don't want to talk about that either," Lindsey's smile started to fade, but she wasn't sad.

"Not really. Sorry," I looked from her to Danny.

"That's fine," he started. "Perfectly understandable."

"Thanks for not prying."

"No problem," he smiled. "Well, I've got some work to finish up here. Do you need any more help, Linds?"

"No, thanks. I think I can handle it from here."

"All right, but if you have any questions-"

"I'll call you."

He smiled.

"Talk to you later."

"Right back at you," she smiled before she closed out the program.

"He really does seem nice."

She turned to me and smiled again.

"You're not sleeping with him, are you?"

"Mom!"

"What? I have to ask."

"No, we haven't had sex."

"Good, that still makes you my little girl then."

"Oh-Mom," she whined.

I laughed.

"I just don't want too much to change," I confessed.

"Well, don't worry about me changing too much."

"You can say that all you want, but I know you'll come home one day and turn my world upside down."

"Sure, one day...but I doubt that day is coming anytime soon."

"No matter how many years pass, it'll always feel like soon."

She flashed a small smile and hugged me again.

I sighed and felt a smile spread across my face. I felt warm, needed, loved. It was like having Sara in the house again except it was my little princess. I didn't want to let her go.

"So...what's for breakfast? You're kinda out of food," she asked as we separated yet again.

I smiled and rolled my eyes. Of course I had to shell out when she came home because paying her college tuition, room and board, and paying for her meal plan wasn't enough.

"I guess it's time to go shopping."

"Looks like it. By the way, how the hell did you manage to eat so much? I swear, you always keep the pantry full of food and there's always at least one meal in the fridge."

"Oh, yeah. Um, Sara stayed with me for a few nights."

"Wow. Really?"

"Yeah," I slowly said. "She helped me eat the food."

"Huh. ...Okay, so I'm thinking we should dine out at the Eclipse. We're celebrities there so we don't have to worry about coughing up a single dime."

I scoffed before I chuckled.

"Is that the way I raised you?"

"No, it's what I picked up from Dad."

"Yeah, because he was a real genius."

"You really didn't give him the credit he deserved. He told me about the one date you two skipped the check on. Sounded like fun."

I laughed.

"That was before he started mooching."

"But was it a good time?"

I looked into her big, anticipating eyes. She had me.

"Yeah, it was a good time."

"See, so Dad did have a soft, cool side to him."

"Yeah...yeah, he did," I said as I started to reminisce.

"Mom...you okay?"

"Hmm? Yeah, I was just...thinking."

"You know...I'm thinking too. I'm thinking we should have breakfast."

I laughed.

"Okay, breakfast at the Eclipse it is."

She beamed and shut down her laptop. Within a matter of minutes, we were out and about when I really just wanted to stay home, but my daughter wanted to go out and I wanted to please her.

Once we got to the Eclipse, I immediately saw Lou hanging around the front desk bugging the hell out of anyone who would listen. I rolled my eyes and Lindsey looked between him and me with confusion.

"What's going on?"

"I don't know," I slowly said as I kept my attention focused on Lou.

I made my way over to him with Lindsey in tow. I didn't want to cause a scene, but I knew Lou wouldn't want to keep quiet about anything if he was at the Eclipse.

"Lou, what are you doing here," I started in on him.

"Oh, Catherine. Good. So glad you could grace us with your presence," he angrily replied.

"What's gotten into you?"

"I'll tell you what's gotten into me. Suspicion!"

He didn't even regard Lindsey's presence at any time during his rant.

"You've been here quite a few times apparently. I'm guessing...to see _Jerry_!"

"Oh, my god! Will you come off it?"

"Not until I know the truth, Catherine!"

"Is there a problem," Jerry asked as he swooped around the corner.

Lou scoffed and I knew there would be more trouble if I didn't try to step in.

"Jerry, this really isn't a good time," I calmly said.

"Oh, don't him that bullshit," Lou started up again. "You've got some explaining to do, buddy. Did you screw my girlfriend?"

"What is your deal," Jerry started to get agitated.

"My deal is that you and Catherine have been knocking boots behind my back!"

"And who told you that?"

"Guys," I chimed in. "Let's not do this here."

"No, we're gonna do this right now! There's no avoiding it. You waited too long to talk to me so we're doing this here," Lou pointed a finger at me.

"Don't talk to my mom like that," Lindsey stepped into the argument.

"This has nothing to do with you, Lindsey," Lou barked at her.

"Back off," I growled at Lou. "That's _my _daughter you're talking to."

"And I'm sure she'll whore herself out just like you."

"Security," Jerry called before he redirected his attention back to Lou. "That was unnecessary."

"You're only saying that because you got your time with her," Lou flung his finger at Jerry.

"I don't understand what gave you that impression, but you need to leave," he said before he nodded security in our direction.

"Don't lie to me, you son of a bitch," Lou raised his voice again.

"Lou, just go home," I whined.

"You don't tell me what to do," he invaded my personal space and left little space between us.

"Go home," Jerry yanked Lou away from me.

"Get off me," Lou growled before he threw a punch and hit Jerry straight across the face.

"Oh, my god," I gasped.

"Did you sleep with him," Lou crowded me again.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Did you sleep with him," he asked louder.

"Yes, I slept with him!"

His hand came across my face and stung my cheek. I couldn't believe he'd slapped me.

"We're done, slut."

Security came to escort him out of the building but he refused by swatting away one of their hands. He stormed out on his own and Jerry reached out with one hand to caress my face.

"Are you okay," he sweetly asked.

"You cheated on him," Lindsey piped up.

"Uh, yeah."

"And you slept with _him_," she asked as she pointed at Jerry. "Wow, Mom. I never knew."

She looked so disappointed before she walked away. I tried to stop her.

"Lindsey, wait."

"No, you're just as bad as Dad. You divorced him because he cheated on you and know look at you. You're doing the same thing he did and you're gonna try to explain why it's okay that did it? God, Mom."

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair as I let her go. The truth had finally come out and I was alone again as Jerry was the only one who would stand by my side at that point. I wanted the week to end so I could see Sara again. I needed her more than Gil ever could and I didn't know why. I didn't want to need her, but it seemed she was the only one who could save me. Another truth: I missed her.

I turned around to look at Jerry. He appeared completely devoted to helping me, but it wasn't him I wanted, wasn't him I needed.

Then it hit me like a brick to the heart. I wanted Sara.

"What were you here for anyway," Jerry finally asked.

"My daughter wanted dinner here," I said before I turned toward the doors and headed to the parking lot.

I needed some sleep before I tried to fix my relationship with Lindsey.

December twenty-first and my Christmas headache grew to twice it's size.

**...**

_**Thanks for reading. Don't forget to review! And if I don't get another update out before the 25th...MERRY CHRISTMAS!**_


	7. Chapter 7

**_OKay, since some of you really wanted another update before Christmas, I tried to give you just that without rushing anything. Hopefully this is as good as you expected and I sure as hell hope I didn't make too many grammatical errors. :P Happy Holidays, everyone. :) Enjoy._**

**Chapter Seven**

**"The Talk"**

I slept an extra three hours and let Lindsey give me the silent treatment, but I hoped she'd get past it and talk to me at some point this week. I hadn't seen her for several months and the first time we were actually in the same room, I disgusted her.

I made myself cereal for dinner and didn't want to go in to work, but it was all I could do to keep my mind off my life. So I went in and ran around the lab like a chicken with its head cut off as I tried to get a million and one things done.

I went straight to Ecklie's office and strode in as though I was on a high horse.

"We need to talk," I confidently demanded.

Ecklie looked up from his massive amount of paperwork and sighed.

"What do you want, Catherine," he more stated than asked, his annoyance thickly coated in his words.

"I'm here to give you my two weeks notice."

"What? You can't be serious."

"I am. I've got another job lined up and frankly, my work here is done."

"No, it's not. There's always crime so there's no way your work can be done here."

"Conrad, I'm fifty-two and you're right. There's always crime. I never planned to work here until I croaked and I don't think that's what you dream of every night."

"Let me guess, this has to do with the Eclipse."

"Not that it's any of your business, but yes. I have the opportunity to manage the place with three other people."

"Yeah, okay. You know...you and Gil are perfect for each other. He left the lab to chase after Sara and now you're leaving because you want to chase after Sam Braun's glory days."

"Excuse me," I almost did a double take. "I don't appreciate your comments or tone."

"Whatever," he said in dismissal as he went back to his paperwork. "You told me you're leaving...that's fine. I'll see you around."

I scoffed and rolled my eyes as I turned on my heels and walked out of his office. I couldn't believe Ecklie had said what he did, but he was losing man power after all. Sara left, Warrick died, Grissom retired, and now I wanted to throw in the towel. Sure, Sara came back, but I guess Ecklie saw her position unstable in case she changed her mind again.

He still didn't have the right to get angry with me, though. Unlike the other three, I gave him ample warning time to find a replacement and Nick could definitely handle shift. What the hell was I trying to prove? I didn't care if Ecklie approved of my choice. It was my life, I could make the best decisions for myself and no one else should matter.

But the fact was, I couldn't make the best decisions. Sara had made the decision about the Eclipse for me and on top of that, she mattered. I couldn't escape the feelings I once felt for Lou before we spiraled into a black hole of dying love. I was crazy to think Sara could magically fix everything, but I had to believe in something.

I spent the rest of shift finishing up paperwork and swiftly transferring all new paperwork into Nick's hands. After I did my time for the night, I went home with a calm, collected mentality. I was determined to talk to Lindsey.

"Linds! Lindsey!"

"Yeah?"

She appeared in the doorway of the living room as she leaned against the wooden frame, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Look, sweetie, we need to talk."

"I agree, but don't call me sweetie."

"That's fair." I extended my arm to guide her to the couch, but I didn't dare to touch her. "I didn't want to tell you about Jerry because we weren't serious. It was a moment of weakness."

"Right, just like Dad's moments. He used the same excuse, Mom."

"I know, but...Lou and I...we were really together even though we said we were. He and I just weren't...clicking anymore."

"You're talking to me like I care about Lou. I don't."

I sighed. I knew what she cared about.

"Your dad and I still loved each other. We just weren't good enough roommates to keep up appearances for you."

"I thought we were talking about you and Lou."

"Honey, I know why you keep pushing the situation with your dad and me. You think it isn't fair I kicked him out when I just did the same thing."

She slowly exhaled and looked down at the floor.

"If you hadn't kicked him out, didn't get a divorce...he'd still be alive," she looked up at me, on the verge of tears.

"Oh, Lindsey," I leaned toward her and took her hands in mine.

"I know I'm old enough to know that's not the reason he died, but...can you really blame me for coming up with that explanation?"

"No, sweetheart...I can't," my voice started to waver.

"Do you still love him?"

"Your dad?"

"Yeah, do you still love him?"

I waited a beat to think of how to put it.

"Yes, but not the way I did when we were dating or when we first had you."

"Then how can you still love him?"

"Because he and I shared something I could never have with anyone else. That's how it is with relationships...even if they don't work out. You always have that one thing, that spark, something that can't be recreated with another person."

"Is that why you cried that night?"

"Among other reasons."

"Reasons involving your relationship with him?"

I shook my head.

"Reasons involving you."

She took a few minutes to let all of the information sink in as I took a few minutes to wonder how many times my little girl had played out different scenarios in her head over all the years.

"Did you cry because you didn't want to believe Sara and you let her know it?"

"What?"

"I overheard you talking to Nick the next day and you mentioned Sara."

"You still remember that?"

She nodded.

"To tell you the truth, after Dad died I wanted to talk to her more."

"Really?"

"She gave me her number. I called it a couple of times throughout the week, but I hung up when she answered."

"Why? Were you scared?"

"I didn't know what to say."

"She would've waited for you to figure it out."

"She told me that...when I finally talked to her. It was after the service and you were with the family."

"That's why you asked for my cell," I trailed off as I recalled the events of that day.

"When I was supposed to be spending the day with Ashley, I had Sara pick me up from her house a couple hours after you dropped me off."

"Then...who took you home?"

"Sara. She knew you didn't know I was with you and I made her promise she'd never tell."

"Why did you try to hide it from me?"

"Because you didn't seem to want to her around...and I was trying to be strong for you. I didn't want you to have to baby me because of what happened. You had enough to worry about without me crying every night."

"Well...how many times did you talk with her?"

"Maybe two times every other week. I slept over once...but told you I was spending the night at Jaime's."

"You didn't have to keep your visits with her a secret."

"I know that now, but...looking back on it...I liked having something that was all mine."

"Is that how you learned how to put all those jigsaw puzzles together?"

She smiled and nodded.

"She's really good with stuff like that. She told me that what happened to Dad was just like a jigsaw puzzle, but there were a lot of missing pieces and the picture didn't make much sense."

"She told you that," I asked, shocked.

"Yeah, she knew all the right things to say to me. She apologized I don't know how many times for not being able to find the pieces so she could finish the puzzle."

I smiled. I knew she'd tried her best, like she told me in the layout room, but I didn't know she went the extra length to keep Lindsey out of trouble.

"I sort of accepted what had happened to him so I didn't need to talk to her after that. I stopped going over and I only called her occasionally when I needed her help with things I didn't think I could tell you. But you know...she always told me to tell you because no matter how angry you got, you'd love me no matter what and you really only got angry so you didn't show how scared you were."

"Scared of what?"

"Me growing up."

I softly chuckled. Sara saw right through me. She could always read right through me. How was it that I never saw it?

"I forgive you...for cheating."

I looked at Lindsey.

"You don't have to-"

"Yes, I do. You're my mom. We're supposed to argue, but at the end of the day...we're related and we'd never want that to change."

I smiled.

"Did Sara teach you that too?"

"Yes and no. She told me something like that, but when I asked about her and her mom...she said she didn't really get the chance to get along with her mom."

I slowly nodded. I filed it away as something to talk to her about even though I knew I could probably look it up in her records.

"Mom?"

"Hmm," I snapped out of my thoughts and focused my attention on her again.

"I'm glad you're letting Danny stay with us for Christmas."

"It's no problem. By the way, when is he coming?"

"Should be tomorrow afternoon. No later than dinner time."

"Of course. ...Is he expecting a home cooked meal from his possibly future mother-in-law?"

She scoffed, her jaw on the floor before she lightly and playfully punched my arm.

"Yes, he is because I told him you always make me good, home cooked meals. We're not up to the in-law discussion yet."

"Oh, really?"

"Really."

"But you've talked about everything else?"

"Okay, so we've talked about it, but only as far as what our plans in life are and that doesn't mean our plans for our life together!"

I grinned and giggled like I was Satan's spawn.

"I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions," I said with an expression like the Grinch as sarcasm dripped off every syllable I spoke.

"No, you're not," she laughed it off. "It's a good thing he knows how crazy you are and loves me anyway."

I laughed.

"You're still so amusing."

"When was I amusing before?"

"When you were two, you played with teething rings...and you dropped it into the box your diaper dispenser came in. You couldn't figure out how to get it out and you were too small to reach in for it. You eventually pulled the box toward you and fell onto your little tush. You cried for a few minutes before Daddy came in and scooped you into his arms."

"Wait, you just stood there laughing at me?"

"No, I started calming you down...but you didn't completely stop crying until Daddy held you."

She smiled at the thought.

"I like that you never stopped calling him Daddy."

"What else would I call him? Dad?"

"Ew. That doesn't sound right."

"I know. It makes me think I'm talking about your grandfather."

She lightly laughed.

"Well, I'm glad we talked."

"Me too."

"I'm sorry I jumped all over you in the first place. It's just-"

"I get it. Plus, I was wrong to cheat. I guess I just wanted it over already."

"I get it."

"Are you saying that because you're tired?"

"A little bit."

We shared a small laugh.

"No, I mean it," she smiled.

I smiled back and kissed her temple.

"I, for one, am exhausted. I'm going to bed."

"I'll join you."

Lindsey and I went to bed and I didn't wake up until I swore I could see into the coming week. Lindsey had apparently got up a few hours before me, but she always seemed to be up and about. I smiled at her as I walked into the kitchen. She'd made a pan full of eggs and feasted on her own plate, plenty still in the pan.

"Morning," I greeted.

"Afternoon," Lindsey smiled as she corrected me.

I looked at the microwave clock and realized my mistake.

"Oh, right. Working nights has really taken a toll on me."

"Sure it has, but you've been working nights since your first job."

"Maybe it's time for a change then," I said after a beat.

She smiled again and slowly nodded in agreement.

"So...Danny's gonna be here earlier than he expected."

"How much earlier?"

The doorbell rang and I looked at Lindsey while she forced a smile as an attempt to keep me calm.

"Did I really sleep that long," I simply asked as I headed toward the door.

She genuinely smiled as she followed after me to the door. When I opened it, I saw a freshly shaven version of the guy I saw on the computer. His smile matched Lindsey's in the way that they seemed head over heels about each other and making things work. I wished Lou and I could have looked like that.

"Hi, Ms. Willows," he greeted with his charming smile as he leaned in to hug me.

"Hi," I managed to say through my shock as I returned the hug. "Wow...aren't you a gentleman."

He chuckled.

"Thanks Ms. Willows."

"Oh, please. Call me Catherine."

"Okay...Catherine," he said with a huge effort on his part. "I'm sorry. It makes me feel rude."

I smiled.

"Ms. Willows is fine then."

He smiled and walked further into the house to focus his attention on Lindsey.

"I got you a present," he flashed a perfectly wrapped box in front of her.

She gasped and tried to contain her enthusiasm.

"Too bad you have to wait until tomorrow to open it," he teased with a sharp grin that could cut like a knife.

"Aw," Lindsey whined.

Danny chuckled.

"Okay, kids," I interrupted. "Let me get some food in me before get all lovey-dovey on me."

They shared a laugh.

After I fed myself a late breakfast, I wanted to go out for a jog. I needed to get Sara off my mind and I needed time to relax since Lou slapped me and ended it.

"I'm just going to the park for a light jog. I'm not getting any younger. I need some exercise," I told Lindsey.

"Oh, I'll go with you...if you don't mind," Danny exclaimed.

"Uh, yeah. That's fine with me."

"Great," he smiled. "Let me get some of my gear together and we can head out."

"Okay," I smiled as he scurried toward his bag on the stairs.

I turned to Lindsey.

"He likes exercise?"

She chuckled.

"Yeah, leave it to me to find a great guy that likes too much activity for me to handle."

I laughed, shook my head and rolled my eyes.

"He takes me jogging with him at least twice a week now. I've got to give it to him, he's good for me. I lost five pounds."

"Nice. I don't think you needed to lose weight though."

"Thanks, but I got rid of fat. Fat is bad for you. I'm forming a better shape for myself when I jog with him."

I smiled.

"If you say so." I took the time to think about it, though. "Maybe he could teach me a few things."

Lindsey's smile spread and Danny came back into the kitchen wearing blue basketball shorts, a gray T-shirt, running shoes, and an iPod complete with its own carrying case attached to his bicep.

"Damn," I accidentally said aloud.

Lindsey and Danny smiled at each other before they looked at me again.

"I said that out loud, didn't I?"

"Yeah," Danny started. "But I get it. You want to borrow my iPod case?"

"Oh, no. It's okay."

"My mom doesn't have an iPod," Lindsey jumped in for me.

"What? How can you not have an iPod?"

"She's never needed one. She says CD's work just fine."

"Because they do... and when have you ever known me to have time to listen to music," I pointed a finger at Lindsey.

"Well, you clean the house, right," Danny asked.

"Yeah," I turned my attention back to him.

"You can listen to music then and when you cook...and when you work out."

I thought about it. I knew he had a point long before he made his point. I didn't know why I hadn't gotten an MP3 player of some sort sooner.

Lindsey and Danny exchanged glances and I felt like the topic of their silent discussion.

"All right...let's go jogging," I announced to escape their scrutiny.

"Okay," Danny smiled again. "You know...you and my mom would get along great."

"I hope that's a good thing," I said as we made our way to the door.

"I think so. I certainly didn't mean it as an insult," he answered as he opened the door for me.

I walked out and he shut the door behind him. He seemed like a good match for my daughter, but I wasn't completely sure yet. Maybe the jog would clear up a few things.

**...**

_**Thanks for reading. I hope you liked it. Don't be shy and give me a review. :) It's the holiday season so show your spirit by clicking the button below. **_

_**Have a safe and wonderful Christmas. :)**_


	8. Chapter 8

**_Probably my last post for 2010. Hopefully there aren't too many mistakes in this chapter. Enjoy. :)_**

**Chapter Eight**

**"The Call"**

"What are your intentions with my daughter," I asked Danny when we'd barely made it to the street corner.

"Uh, I don't plan on hurting her or anything like that if that's what you're worried about," he replied as we rounded the corner on our brisk jog.

"I hope so. I've been hurt enough times in relationships for her lifetime and her kids' lifetimes."

"Grandchildren. I see where this is going. You think that no matter how many times I say I'm serious about being with her, I'm really only using her as a place holder until something, someone, better comes along. Well...let me be the first to tell you...there's no one better than your daughter."

"Uh huh. Flattery will get you nowhere."

"I'm not trying to charm my way into the family. Ms. Willows...when the time is right...I'm going to ask her to marry me."

My eyes widened and I almost stopped dead in my tracks. Instead, I hit a street lamp and fell onto my ass in front of the neighbors.

Danny immediately came to my rescue and outstretched his hand.

"Careful there," he said as I took his hand. He pulled me to my feet and continued. "I didn't mean to drop the ball so soon, but...I want to know that you're okay with her and me together."

"You really want to marry my daughter?"

"Yeah, I really do."

I pointed at the area sidewalk ahead of us as an indication I wanted to keep jogging.

"Then I guess...you have my blessing," I said after a beat.

He smiled.

"Thanks. Oh, and don't worry. School first. Plus, I'm going to make sure you and I spend more than one holiday together before I pop the question."

I nodded.

"Does Lindsey know how serious you are?"

"Nah. I know she thinks she knows how crazy I am for her, but...I don't think she completely gets it."

"You can probably blame me for that one."

"Why?"

"I don't know what I have until I let it slip out of my hands."

"Like with your last boyfriend...the cop."

"Yeah," I slowly said as my face twisted into a concerned look.

"Oh," he started when he turned to me. "Lindsey mentioned a few things on the phone when you were asleep."

"Right, because you two tell each other everything."

"She just didn't want me to accidentally hit a nerve."

"She was looking out for me."

"Exactly."

I sighed as we rounded another corner. Danny fit the bill for the perfect boyfriend, perfect husband, perfect father. My daughter had a knack for picking the right one. Hopefully she hadn't picked up my bad habit to split because it "wasn't enough".

After a few hours out with Danny, we ended our jog with a refreshing sprint down my street. I regulated my breathing and made a quick call to work telling Nick to cover shift so I could spend time with Lindsey on Christmas Eve. It wasn't hard to convince him I needed the time off since everyone at the lab seemed to agree that I did.

Danny jumped in the shower and took Lindsey on a small shopping spree afterward, which gave me some alone time. I didn't need alone time, though. I didn't want alone time. So I made myself presentable in public and took off for the Eclipse. Within a minute of stepping foot on the premises, Jerry came to greet me at the front doors.

"Catherine, what are you doing here? It's the holidays. Shouldn't you be with Lindsey," he asked with genuine concern.

"She and her boyfriend went out so I thought I'd come here to start working," I forced a smile to mask my loneliness.

"Well, I didn't think you'd start right away. What about the lab?"

"I'm _currently_ still employed there, but...I put in my two weeks notice yesterday."

"And yet...you want to pile on paperwork here while you spend the next two weeks getting things in order over there?"

"I took care of most of what I need to do there. I've got enough time to finish up before I resign. I figured...why not start training now so I can effectively make the switch to co-manager of operations here?"

"You'll be more than that," he informed me. "Since you're Sam's daughter, and naturally entitled to a good portion of the Eclipse's fortune, you'll be responsible for positive PR, which means tons of conferences, tons of stuck up business conversations all day, and a stressful workload. As for the management, you'll be in charge of the hotel...not the casino."

"Oh, thank god," I sighed with great relief.

He chuckled.

"You'll ensure the hotel staff are properly doing their jobs and you'll oversee the room bookings like you did the other day for the scum bag I had escorted out."

My lips curled into a small smile.

"Now...are you sure you're ready to work," he asked as he placed a weighted hand on my formerly light shoulder.

I took a deep breath. I knew any responsibilities I needed to uphold there were better than spending hours talking to myself about everything I'd done wrong in life. I didn't need to make myself guilty and I didn't need to talk to myself like a crazy person. I also didn't understand why things were worse that week in comparison to the week before, especially since I had Lindsey around.

"I need to work," I admitted as I looked straight into his eyes, no bullshit.

He paused and held my stare a moment longer as though he wanted to figure me out like a Rubik's Cube.

"Okay. I'm going to get Al to help you with the hotel. He's one of the other co-owners. He knows way more about the hotel than I do."

"Right. You're the casino guy."

"Right," he smiled.

Truth was, I wanted to work with Al. I'd never met him, but it was better than working alongside the man I'd slept with to escape the flaws in my relationship.

After meeting Al, I realized how much he adored my father and how honored he was to work with me. I smiled and nodded as he told me what he knew about Sam and the business, how he got his start in the hotel and casino world, and how his wife constantly complained about his man crush on Sam Braun.

Al was shorter than Jerry, older than me by several years, had salt and pepper hair, and a round frame. He'd seen his fair share of hefty, satisfying meals and proudly smiled about every last taste. In a way, he reminded me of Gil, except he didn't know anything about crossword puzzles, had a wife of appropriate age to him, and stomped away the life of bugs at first glance. He didn't waste time with the basics because, after sizing me up, thought I learned fast. He thought right.

In the hotel business, at least as far as I was concerned, the only trick was to stay on top of everyone and all times. There were over fifty-seven employees at the hotel and over one hundred-twenty guests. I had to keep them from stealing, fighting, putting the Eclipse in danger with back door deals and so on. I didn't know how I was going to handle that, but both Al and Jerry picked me as the one and only professional at it. What the hell did everyone seem to see in me?

Al left me to it after an hour and a half of walking me through everything so I decided to head down to the front desk. I thought the best thing for me would be to take the stairs to relieve the tension in my neck, shoulders, and lower back. On my way to the stairs, though, I noticed a woman in maybe her late twenties, early thirties, frantically picking towels and linens off the floor and stuffing them back into her arms. She seemed greener than me and in need of assistance. I, of course, never left a person behind and I certainly wasn't enough of a bitch to walk right past her without offering some kind of help.

I made a bit of a bee line to her and started to pick up a few stray bed liners.

"Here," I gingerly offered the rest of the sheets to her.

She looked up and met my eyes.

"Oh, thanks," she nervously said as her cheeks turned from a light pink to a rosy red before she snatched the sheets out of my hands. "I can be such a klutz sometimes. Please don't fire me."

"Wow, hang on. No one's getting fired," I smiled and gently pulled her to her feet by her elbow.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Willows. It won't happen again," she looked down at the floor as if she wasn't worthy enough to look me in the eyes.

"Wait...how did you know my name?"

"E-everone here knows more about you than just your name, Ms. Willows. We've all been told about your position and that you're not afraid to rid this place of the weak and unskillful."

"And who told you that?"

"Mr. O'Keefe," she meekly said as she continued to stare at the floor.

Of course Jerry told all the employees to fear me. With every new leader comes a time for the employees to push the envelope much like high school kids try with substitute teachers.

I looked down at her name tag to make the conversation feel inviting and more personal. I wanted her to trust me.

"Look...Denise, I'm sorry Mr. O'Keefe scared you, but I'm not a hard ass like he wants to believe. If I see anyone slacking off or disrespecting me by breaking any rules...don't think I won't think twice about kicking your ass to the curb...but understand that I know we're all human. I know people might accidentally drop sheets from time to time. It's not a crime. Plus, the carpets have been vacuumed. I trust the sheets are still just as clean as they were when they came out of the machines."

A small smile started to form on her face.

"So...you're nice unless we don't do our jobs," she stated more than asked as she finally looked at me.

"Exactly," I smiled. "There's no trouble here. I'm sure you've got a few mouths to feed at home?"

"Four, not including me," she sighed as her smile naturally spread. "That's why I need this job. My husband keeps getting laid off at every company he works with and this is the highest paying job I can get without having to degrade myself."

"I understand," I held my kind, sweet smile. "I've got a daughter. I've been there before. Don't worry. You're okay in my book."

At that, her smile spread to the point where it was a physical impossibility for her to smile anymore.

"Thanks, Ms. Willows," she said before she walked past me to continue on her way.

"Any time," I half waved as I briefly spun around to watch her leave.

I saw her take a few confident strides, smiled, and then turned back toward the stairs. When I opened the door and saw how far I had to go before I reached the lobby, I considered walking back toward the elevators and taking the easy way out, but a thought bounced around in my head. Sara. The week had been different because she wasn't there to keep me grounded.

I hated her for taking off to see Gil and I hated her for possessing special powers to make me feel like I wasn't the huge failure I made myself out to be. I knew it wasn't her fault I'd become so dependent and I couldn't blame her for why I got attached to her. In fact, it made absolutely no sense why she was the only one I bothered to latch onto through all the chaos. If anyone ever asked who I would have wanted to be stuck on an island with, I would have answered: Sara Sidle. If left with the choice between Sara and George Clooney, I would have blurted Sara before I got to George's name.

Funny thing was, I didn't need time to think about what I wanted anymore. I didn't need to wait and see if Lou and I still had anything left to salvage in the relationship. I didn't need to sit around and ponder about what was in my best interest. I didn't need to do anything. I had it all figured out with one thought, one powerful thought that overruled all sense and logic in my mind.

I pulled out my Blackberry and dialed Sara's number, the only number other than Lindsey's that I knew by heart. After only two rings, the phone clicked.

"Sidle," she said so casually that she painted me a picture of her sitting somewhere outdoors with a calm breeze hitting her every other heartbeat.

I smiled.

"Hey, it's Catherine."

"Oh, hi," she sounded happy to hear my voice.

"I wanted to call and check in on you...make sure you got there okay."

"That's sweet, but you do know I landed at the airport at one in the afternoon four days ago, right," she laughed.

"Right," I laughed as I rubbed the back of my neck. "I guess I needed a better excuse to call, huh?"

"You don't need an excuse. You don't even need a reason," she effortlessly spoke.

Oddly enough, I felt butterflies flutter in my stomach when she said that.

"Thanks," I relaxed.

I looked at the flights of stairs below me and decided to sit on the top of the staircase I had to conquer in order to reach any of the other ones. I leaned against the piped railing to my right and let her sultry voice wash over me. I'd never felt so at home, so safe, so comfortable. Her magic powers had taken over me again. Sometimes I wondered if she went to Hogwarts with Harry Potter.

"You still there?"

"Oh, yeah," I snapped back to reality. "I was thinking about Harry Potter."

She laughed.

"I didn't peg you as a fan."

"I'm not. It started off as different thought that morphed into a thought about a British wizard."

She giggled.

"Are you stressed?"

"A little. Why do you ask?"

"You usually make cracks when you're stressed."

"Do I?"

I honestly hadn't noticed.

"What's going on? Did something happen after I left?"

"Nothing," I tried to nonchalantly say after a beat. "I'm fine. I can handle the stress. It's not as bad as you apparently think."

"Are you sure?"

"Would I lie to you?"

"Yes."

She knew me way too well.

"Good point. ...Do you trust me?"

"In a way that sometimes worries me."

I thought about that for a second in order to decipher what it meant. Did she have the same conflicting thoughts and feelings as me? Did she wish she were back in Vegas, back in my bed with me, instead of being with Gil?

Ew. Not a thought I wanted to entertain. She and Gil were my friends and any thought about them going at it made me die a little inside for multiple reasons.

"Catherine?"

"Yeah, I'm still here."

"More wizard thoughts," she smugly asked. I could hear the grin in her voice.

"No."

"Care to share?"

"For a pretty penny."

"And what will I owe you?"

I hadn't thought about that yet. I hadn't even realized the banter I'd induced in our conversation.

"Where are you right now?"

"Home. Gil went to get ham for tomorrow's dinner."

Then it came to me.

"Well, as long as Gil won't mind...you could take me out to dinner when you get back."

"What if I make you dinner when I get back," she smiled.

"Something vegetarian?"

"Yeah," she slowly said. "Guess that's not the best idea."

"No, it's fine. I'd like to try a vegetarian meal."

"Really. Then it's settled. I'll make you dinner."

I smiled, happy to get what I wanted and happy to try something new. Yet another thing only Sara could get me to do.

"Where are you right now," she asked out of obvious curiosity.

"In the stairwell at the Eclipse."

"What are you doing there?"

"Too early to go to the lab and Lindsey's out shopping with her boyfriend."

"She's got a boyfriend?"

"Yep. I jogged with him earlier today. He's really nice and asked me for my blessing."

"Wait, what? He wants to _marry _your eighteen year old?"

"Not right now, but he says he sees it in their future."

"Wow. That boy is seriously love sick."

I laughed.

"He's a nice guy."

"Then I guess I have no problem with him wanting to marry her," I heard her smile.

"Are you looking out for my little girl?"

"Always have and not because I didn't think you could, but-"

"Because you care. I know. Lindsey told me what you did for her after Eddie died."

"She did, huh."

"Yeah, and I want to thank you for it. Although, it would've been better to talk to me about it."

She chuckled.

"Yeah, I know, but what was I supposed to do? She wanted to keep our visits a secret and she didn't want to get caught lying to you about the sleepovers she used as her cover...so I didn't tell you."

"Hmm. Sounds like a nice thing to do, in my opinion."

There was another pause.

"You've got a great kid, Cat."

"Don't get emotional on me because of the pregnancy now."

She laughed.

"Shut up."

I saw someone join me in the stairwell, a guest on the third floor, and knew our conversation had to come to an end.

"Listen, I'm gonna get back to what I was doing and you can have more time to enjoy your down time. It was nice talking to you though."

"I'm glad you called."

I smiled.

"I don't know why I didn't call sooner."

"Me either," I heard her grin.

"I guess I'll...talk to you later."

"Probably the next time you see me...that is, if you keep 'forgetting' to call me sooner."

I shook my head and rolled my eyes.

"I'm looking forward to it. And...you can pick up the phone, too, ya know."

She chuckled.

"Bye, Catherine."

"Bye, Sara."

I hung up and sighed. I didn't just want to talk to her. I had to see her. How was I ever going to make it through Christmas Day without her?

**...**

_**Sorry, it was a little short. Thanks for reading. Happy New Year. See you in 2011! And DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW. :D**_


	9. Chapter 9

**_Sorry if this chapter is a repetative. I lost my place in the story as far as Nancy and Catherine go. I'm also sorry it's not as long as my chapters usually are and that I haven't updated in a while, but I've been extremely with school and scholarship stuff. :( _**

**_Anyway...enjoy. _**

**Chapter Nine**

**"The Thought"**

_Hands slithered up my thighs and thumbs circled around my inner thigh, mere centimeters from my center. My hands rested on slightly broad shoulders and my breath hit a well-rounded forehead in an uncontrollable beat to match the hands on my thighs and lips that approached mine. I slowly pulled a shirt off the shoulders my hands rested on using only my wrists and watched as hands moved past my center to lift my shirt above my head. _

_Small beads of sweat coated pursed lips as hands gently guided me onto my back. I fell onto a soft mattress and hardly made contact with the pillow slightly above me on the bed. Hands sensually ran along my arms as they worked to gingerly pin me down. Lips kissed mine and made a wet trail down my neck and sternum. Teeth easily caught at my bra and bit down on the front clasp to reveal my eager breasts. A knee slid between my thighs and massaged my center as hands peeled off my bra. Lips continued on their path to the waistband of my skimpy, dark blue cotton shorts. Teeth tugged on the strings that kept the shorts snugly fit on me and fingers assisted as they hooked into the shorts. _

_Fingers took off my shorts and efficiently took my panties with them. Hazel eyes smiled down at me and told a story of infinite longing finally put to rest. A fully clothed body hovered over me, teasing me, taunting me, as I had lost all of my clothing. And yet, I felt comfortable around this body, this body I'd never felt until now. A tongue flowed upstream, over my breasts, around my nipples, up my sternum, and into my mouth with a break at my chin. Teeth trapped my bottom lip in its cave of peppermint and hint of cinnamon. _

_My tongue played its part and battled with the other tongue. The duel lasted a short while before lips tore away from mine and hands left my body cold as they took the time to remove the shirt I'd tried to get rid of earlier. I gazed at the fresh sight in front of me and looked back into those hazel eyes. I finally recognized the body before me._

"_Sara," I whispered with desire. _

Hands shook me awake and when I opened my eyes, I saw Lindsey staring at me.

"Mom, I'm all for not waking you up too early, but it's eleven o'clock on Christmas morning. I want to open presents."

I groaned.

"Who said I got you anything?"

"The vast amount of gifts under the tree in the living room."

I groaned again as I rolled my eyes and got out of bed. I thought I was done with Lindsey's impatience when it came to Christmas, but I thought wrong. I always thought wrong and my dream was direct proof of that. I didn't know what I was thinking when that fantasy came to my mind, but I knew what I was thinking when it stopped playing like a movie: _How could you be so stupid? _Christmas two thousand-ten and I'd fallen in lust with my best friend's wife.

I watched as Danny wrapped his arms around Lindsey's waist as she sat Indian style on the floor in front of the tree. She opened gift after gift, one from me, one from Danny, one from me. I envied them. In my old age, I'd become more hormonal than my teenage daughter and did the one thing you should never do: fall for a married woman.

Something else seemed to eat at me, though. _Why_ had I fallen for _her_? She was a woman and last time I checked, I liked penises. I knew she didn't have one tucked away in her jeans and I knew she liked them as much as I thought I did. So again I asked, Why her?

Images rolled by almost like movie credits as I admired my daughter and her lit up face every time she peeled back wrapping paper. Images of Sara taking my hand in hers, me laying my head in Sara's lap, Sara smiling at me as we sit and talk by Lake Mead. All of the images were pure fantasy. None of it would ever happen and the fact that I even apparently wanted it to was hilarious. I thought about signing into a psychiatric ward and throwing myself against a stark white, cushioned wall while I made myself cozy in my straight jacket. And sometimes...I thought about slapping myself for thinking about stuff like that.

As hard as I tried, I couldn't escape her. Even if I went to Jerry for a few forgetful hours, it wouldn't erase my feelings, my needs. Of course, maybe she was the closest thing I had to a real boyfriend. That would've easily explained everything and I wouldn't feel as bad and out of place. With my luck, though, the easy answer was never the right answer.

I mindlessly wandered through the overheated streets of suburban Vegas before I headed down to the brightly lit strip. I looked around and noticed every little thing people did, but it all passed me by in slow motion. A quiet, hardly impacting breeze traveled through the smoldering hot air and only served to make stray stands of my hair wave in my peripheral vision.

I didn't know what I was doing, where I was going, why I wanted to take such a long walk around the city. I couldn't muster up a single thought without hearing her name spark through my entire brain. My head was having a Sara party and sent me millions of invitations I wanted to, but couldn't, ignore.

Eventually, I walked into a corner store and looked for a simple snack or two to take my mind off her. I picked up a chocolate bar, a pack of gummy bears, and a bag of white chocolate covered pretzels. I decided with all my walking around I probably needed a drink to stay hydrated, so I grabbed a blue Powerade from the back and headed to the register. As I handed over my things, I saw a man to my left finish paying.

"Thanks," his familiar voice rang out as he turned to leave.

He stopped in front of me when he recognized me and for a moment, the only thing I could hear was the constant beeps of the scanner at the counter.

"Catherine," he said, caught off guard.

"Lou," I matched his tone.

"What are you doing here?"

"Miss," the cashier briefly dragged my attention to the counter. "You're total is six forty-eight."

I looked back at Lou before I focused my attention on my wallet to get the amount I owed.

"I stopped in to refuel my energy."

"Oh, right," he looked from me to the register and back at me. "Your energy. I guess all you and _Jerry _have in common is your love for sex."

He sounded calm, his callous tone cutting through me like a serrated knife.

I scoffed and turned to the cashier with my money in hand.

"I still don't understand why you're _here. _The Eclipse is blocks away."

"I can go to whatever corner store I please. There's no law that says I can't go out of my way for some munchies. Plus, who said we were fooling around at the Eclipse? I prefer my bed to some hotel room."

"Your place is even farther than the Eclipse."

"Doesn't matter. You don't need to know my business."

"Apparently, I never did."

"Look, I'm sorry I didn't feel like telling you everything. I was just protecting myself."

"From what?"

"From this," I practically shouted in front of the two cashiers as I waved my index finger between Lou and me. "From a bad breakup, from a broken heart, from another relationship where I got walked all over again, from being weak and dependent. Take your pick. I told you I wasn't willing to risk it. That should've tipped you off about my doubts."

"You doubted me? After I opened up and put myself out there?"

"More like I doubted myself. I've been to hell and back relationship wise and I haven't been able to find that balance since Eddie...even before Eddie. I guess I was only attracted to assholes."

"'Was'...as in...you're not anymore?"

"As in, when you came along, I was attracted to a nice guy that put himself out there because he felt we had a chance. You were too much for what I was willing to give. I didn't want to get robbed again."

"You thought you'd let me take and take without giving a damn thing?"

"No, I...it's confusing. I don't want to do this...especially not here."

He sighed.

"You never want to talk to me."

"Did you really think that would change after you ended it," I sadly stated.

I took my tiny, plastic bag off the counter and left. I didn't hear the door open after me so I assumed Lou had stayed inside a little longer. I kept walking, and didn't look back, until I got somewhere I felt safe from even myself.

I looked out over the water and watched the simmering mid-morning sky reflect itself on every ripple and every wave. I sat on a slab of concrete as I stared in the distance, my knees curled into my chest and my thighs pressed against my stomach. I left my shoes beside me and kept my feet on the concrete in front of me, crossed at the ankles. I took a deep breath and concentrated on the rhythm of the flowing water. I had nothing to think about, nothing to do, no one to talk to...except my sister. I didn't call her right away, though. I laid back and rested my back on the ground, my legs still folded and erect.

I placed my hands on my stomach and closed my eyes. I needed silence, alone time, time to think for myself. What did I want?

_Sara made me breakfast, smiling as always when she first saw me. I smiled back and walked behind her before I snaked my arms around her waist as she stood over a hot pan used to prepare our favorite vegetarian breakfast. _

"_Good morning," I purred as I stretched out, my arms still around her waist. _

"_Good morning."_

"_Why didn't you stay in bed longer?"_

"_Why didn't you stay in bed?"_

"_I wanted to see you when I woke up."_

"_And I wanted to bring you breakfast in bed."_

_I frowned and moaned in regret and slight disapproval. _

"_I'm not going back to bed without you," I said before I chastely kissed her right temple._

"_And you don't have to," she grinned. _

_I grinned back and let my hands roam south until I found the spot I was looking for and cupped her. She hummed her pleasure and slunk into my embrace, relaxed. I had it made. _

I opened my eyes and saw the clear blue Vegas sky. Why did I want her? What did I want from her? I couldn't make sense of my mind's jumbled puzzle.

That's when my phone rang.

I looked at the caller ID: Lindsey.

"Hello," I sighed in answer.

"Mom! Where are you? I'm worried. You're car's here, but you're not. What's going on?"

"Nothing. I'm fine. I went for a walk."

"A walk? Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes," I scoffed with a hint of a smile. She sounded like a concerned mom. I thought that was my role in the play we call "Life".

"It's been a few hours since presents...when are you coming home?"

"I'm not sure," I lowered my voice an octave and quietly spoke.

"Mom, what's going on with you? You've been acting strange all break. Is this about Lou?"

"No, well, maybe. I don't know, Linds."

She sighed.

"Where are you?"

"Why does it matter?"

"I'm gonna go get you."

"Oh, no...that's fine. ...I think I'm going to head over to Aunt Nancy's place."

"Okay... Are you sure you don't want me to get you?"

"I'm sure," I flashed a quick smile to the open space before me.

"All right. Danny and I are at home now. I'll text you if we go anywhere else."

"Okay."

"And mom?"

"Yeah?"

"Make it back to me in one piece?"

I bit my lip.

"I promise I will."

I hung up and took a deep breath as I took one last look at the view before me. Clarity set in and I made a plan to put Sara Sidle behind me. I couldn't have her and the longer I continued to travel down the one way street of overwhelming, unrequited feelings, the faster I'd fall apart.

I walked to my sister's house, which took entirely too long, and tussled my hair after I knocked on her door. She responded within a minute and looked me over with wide eyes.

"Where have you been," she asked as she studied my glistening, sweat streaked face.

"Around. Can I come in?"

"Uh...sure. What's up?"

"Ugh," I rolled my eyes as I stepped into the foyer.

"Long story?"

"More like eternal story."

"Can I get you something to drink? You look parched."

"I could use a good talk."

"What is it this time," she seemed annoyed.

"It's over between Lou and me."

"Really? Who ended it?"

I sighed.

"He did, but I'd like to think it was mutual."

"I'm on your side. You wanted it for a while, you just couldn't get out of the trap you set for yourself."

"Yeah, well, I've got a different problem now. Another trap I've managed to make for myself."

"Let me guess," she curled her lips into a grin. "It has something to do with the five-nine brunette at Victoria's Secret."

I felt a small blush creep to the surface of my cheeks, but I smiled all the same.

"I like her...a lot."

"I saw that one coming."

"How?"

"I saw how you got tense and awkward when you introduced me to her. Plus, she gets under your skin like nobody else does."

"She's a pro at that."

"I wonder what else she's a pro at in that mind of yours," she grinned again.

I rolled my eyes and tried to walk away from her.

"Why don't you just talk to her?"

"Because there's no way around it. I can't have her."

"Why not?"

"She's married."

"Can you really be sure?"

"To my best friend!"

"Oh, I guess that's sure enough."

"And even if she wasn't, I still couldn't have her at this point."

"Oh, and what excuse is that?"

"I'm her boss."

"Wasn't your best friend her boss," she rhetorically asked with the cocky look she got when she knew she'd cornered a person with her knowledge.

"That's different."

"Is it?"

"Yeah."

"Because he's a guy and you're not."

"That's not the only reason," I whined in my defense.

"Okay, what are the other reasons," she placed a hand on her hip and motioned for me to list my reasons.

I hesitated as I tried to think of an answer.

"Fine, that's the only reason, but that doesn't matter."

"Then why are we even talking about this?"

"Because I want her to leave Gil and be with me!"

My eyes grew three times their normal size after I'd blurted my big secret. In that second, I wished I had a time machine to take it back.

"Cathy..."

"I'm gonna go."

"I didn't see your car. Did you walk here?"

"Yeah, I'll see you," I rushed my words.

"No, wait...Cathy. There's no way I'm letting you walk all the way home."

"I'll be fine. I got here without scratch on me, didn't I?"

"Catherine," she warned as she followed me to the door.

"Nancy, I'm a big girl. I'll see you later," I threw over my shoulder before I walked out.

I heard her sigh behind me and stop in her tracks.

"At least text me when you get home so I know you're safe?"

"Will do," I waved my hand without looking back at her.

After an hour of walking, I was home and ready to crash. I crept in, trying not to get caught red handed by my eighteen year old, so I could easily slip into bed and sleep into the next day.

I got my wish for once and fell back onto my bed, my eyes focused on the ceiling even though they were closed. At least I didn't have to expect weight gain from the break up.

I groaned and hoped for a better tomorrow because if it didn't get better, I honestly didn't know what I'd do.

**...**

_**Thanks for reading. I hope you liked it. Don't forget to review and tell me what you think. I live off your feedback. ;)**_


	10. Chapter 10

**_Okay, so it's been really hectic this past week and I think it's going to stay that way for a while. Class is kicking my butt. :/ _**

**_Anyway, enjoy the update. :)_**

**Chapter Ten**

**"The Banter"**

Four agonizing days after my long walk through the city, I felt almost twenty pounds lighter. I could breathe again and my world wasn't a giant blur anymore. I was myself again and I guess it had to do with Sara coming back the next day.

I took a few calming breaths and stretched as I stood over a pan of omelets. Danny slept on the couch and offered to help with breakfast when he woke up, but I told him to go for a jog and that I could handle the food.

Lindsey slept in until she smelled the omelets. When she walked downstairs, her hand pushing her hair around, she looked as adorable as when she was six. I remembered when she used to do that when she woke up for school. She looked so tired and her little body made it even cuter that I couldn't resist smiling. I smiled like I used to as she walked into the kitchen and yawned.

"What's cooking?"

"Omelets. Two are ready now. Want one?"

She nodded.

I slid one on to a plate and handed it to her. She took it from me and sat down at the bar.

"So...are we ever going to talk about what happened on Christmas," she asked as she took her first bite.

"Wasn't planning on it."

"You've been acting weird all week. What's going on?"

"Nothing that should concern you."

"But it does. Why can't you just talk to me?"

"Because you're my daughter. You're supposed to talk to me about your problems, not the other way around."

"Who said?"

I sighed. She had a point. Where was it written that it had to be that way? I made up stupid rules to keep my distance from people and all it did was push me further into loneliness. Sure, I didn't want to tell Lindsey because as her mother, I shouldn't be her friend. I felt that if I confided in her, I'd be weak. I didn't want her to start taking care of me until I needed to drink my food through a straw.

"Sara's coming back tomorrow?"

I shook my head and snapped out of my thoughts.

"What? Who told you that?"

I looked down and saw the memo pad I'd written on earlier in the week.

"Is that why you're so gloomy? Sara?"

I sighed again and hesitated, deciding whether or not I wanted to tell her after all.

"Yeah. I-I just feel like I lost my best friend."

"She was only gone for a week. Do you always get so depressing when she goes to France?"

"How did you know she went to France?"

She flipped back a page in the memo pad and I saw that I'd written much more than I recalled writing.

"Have you been reading that?"

"I found it in the bathroom two days ago."

The bathroom, I thought to myself as I mentally smacked my forehead. That's where I left it.

"You didn't answer my question."

"Yeah, I've been reading it. I wanted to know what the hell was going on with you. Is it a crime to worry about my mom?"

I ran a hand through my hair.

"No. I'm sorry if I scared you with my behavior, but...I'm already better today."

"Because Sara's coming back. I'm not judging you or anything, but...it's kind of weird that you're this happy to see her again."

"Who said I was happy?"

"Mom, you're making breakfast again, you wrote little notes about her to keep yourself from falling apart... There's something you're not telling me."

"All right. So I have a secret. ...Look, Linds..." I started. "I don't want to talk about it. It's not that I can't share anything with you, it's just...I don't even like admitting it to myself."

She sighed.

"Mom, I'm old enough to understand you have a crush on Sara."

My jaw dropped.

"What...I never said-"

"Oh, save it," she rested her hands on my biceps. "I've known for a while. I just tried to give you the chance to get over your feelings for her."

I closed my mouth and worried. If she could tell, was I being overwhelmingly obvious?

"How long have you known?"

"Way before you did," she chuckled.

I pursed my lips and smiled with sad eyes. Now that my secret was out, all I needed to do was figure out my next step. When Sara got back, would I tell her or pretend that I never felt, still feel, anything?

Thankfully, I had two people in my life I could talk to about her. Unfortunately, one was my daughter and I ran out on the other. I sighed and debated about telling Jerry about Sara. I didn't want everyone to know, but I thought it might help to have someone on the outside to talk to. Of course, I'd slept with him on several occasions and he was a guy. He didn't seem like the best candidate to listen to me pour out my heart.

"Mom," Lindsey interrupted my thoughts. "You look like you're having deep thoughts."

I nodded.

"I'm gonna go out for a jog."

"Are you sure?"

"Mhmm. I'm getting old, losing bone mass. A jog is good for me right now."

she slowly nodded in understanding and I took that as my cue to leave guilt free. I took off on a different path than the one I normally took to avoid Danny. Instead, I headed to the park I used to take Lindsey to when she was little. I wanted to be alone. I was going to make a call and I needed to take off all the pressure that Lindsey and Nancy had unknowingly put on me.

I jogged around the playground three times before I took a break on a nearby bench. I managed my breathing until I felt I had control of it and pulled out my phone. I punched in Sara's number, pressed the phone to my ear, and hoped she would answer. A few rings later and her voice filled my head.

"Sidle."

"Hi," I sighed with relief.

"Hi. Sounds like you've had a long day."

"Yeah, and it's barely even started," I tried to laugh away my stress.

"are you okay?"

I wanted to cry, so so that tears formed in my eyes.

"Cat?"

I smiled. I usually didn't like it when people called me that, loathed it in fact, but when she said it, I melted.

"It's everything," I attempted not to sob. "I'm leaving CSI to work at the Eclipse, I told Nancy and Lindsey something I didn't want to admit, and...I miss you."

Tears streamed down my cheeks and another truth revealed itself.

"Cat, relax," she said in a calming tone. "You're making everything seem ore heartbreaking than it is"

I was stunned. I told her I missed her. I didn't want her to know that. I didn't want her to figure me out.

"How early is your flight tomorrow?"

"I won't be in Vegas until dinner."

"Do you need a ride from the airport?"

"My car is in long term term parking."

I stared at my shoes.

"I can come over after I get in. Straight from the airport if you want," she said after a beat.

"You won't be too tired?"

"Not if I can get away with not making you dinner tomorrow."

I smiled.

"You owe me dinner."

"I do."

"Will you make me dinner on the first?"

"You really want this dinner."

"It'll make me feel better."

"Why do you need to feel better?"

I sighed.

"I feel old and miserable...and I'm a slut."

She laughed.

"What you did with Jerry is understandable."

"You keep saying that, but I don't think it was."

"Catherine, I know you never meant to hurt anyone. You did what you thought you had to for you to stay satisfied."

"I should have just broke it of with Lou. Then I could've gone to Jerry."

"I'm not condoning cheating, but in your situation...it's hard. You wanted to be with Lou because he's nice and considerate, but you needed more from him, less honesty."

"I don't know why. It feels like I can talk to everyone except him."

"Maybe because you feel too old and vulnerable."

"Hey," I teasingly warned. "it's only okay when I talk about myself like that."

She laughed.

"So...the Eclipse."

"Ugh," I sighed.

She giggled.

"Are you going to be a manager?"

"Yeah...Hotel manager."

"Maybe I'll stay there one of these days then."

I bit my lip as a fantasy flooded the surface of my mind and body. A muffled moan escaped me.

"Cat?"

I sucked in a deep breath and tried to pretend I hadn't moaned in Sara's ear.

"Hmm," I feigned a calm, collected exterior.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm a little on edge, but...I usually am these days," I nervously laughed.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?"

I hesitated to nibble on my lip again.

"Yeah...I-I know."

"So...do you want to talk?"

I puffed out a sigh.

"It's nothing. I'm making things into a big deal when it's _nothing_."

"You sure?"

"What makes you think I'm lying," I tried to play it cool.

"Because it's the middle of last night here."

"Oh. Oh, I'm...I'm so sorry. I completely forgot the time difference."

"It's okay," she chuckled.

"No, it's not. I'm sorry. Just go back to sleep."

"Just talk to me. I'm up now anyway."

I felt so selfish. I wanted to hear her voice badly enough for me to forget about how late it was there.

"I'm...really sorry, Sara."

"How many times do I need to say all right," she lightly laughed.

That time when she talked, I finally heard it. The grogginess in her voice, the tiredness in her words, the stuff about me that she blew out of her ass. She was too nice.

"You shouldn't have answered if you were sleeping."

"Catherine," she warned.

"I didn't mean to wake you. It's not like it's an emergency."

"I wouldn't have answered if I didn't think it was important.," she flatly said.

There was moment of silence between us. All I heard was the sound of my breath. She thought it was important when I called.

I beamed, my day permanently brightened.

"Thanks," I slowly said after a beat. "I really need to hear that."

"I know...but don't think I said it because I'm good at reading people. I meant it."

I lightly laughed and bit my lip to fight back returning tears.

"Cat"

"I'm still here," I tried to calm myself.

"Okay, well, as much as I'd love to stay on the line... I think I just woke up Gil."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I think all my secret, late night conversations with you have him worried."

"Does he know you're talking to me?"

"I keep telling him, but he probably thinks it's a cover."

I laughed.

"He's just too funny sometimes," I smiled.

"He likes puzzles. I just wish he wouldn't treat my life like one."

I chuckled.

"I hear ya."

I heard a low, gruff tone in the background and assumed it was Grissom.

"I'm sorry. It's Catherine. I won't be much longer," I heard Sara direct her voice away from the phone.

"Will you come back to bed when you're done," I heard him ask as he got closer to the phone.

"Yeah, I'll be there in a minute. I promise."

I waited for her to tell me he went back to bed, to say goodnight or good morning as I sat staring out at the grassy park.

"Hey, I'm gonna go, but I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay. And...thanks."

"For what?"

"Taking my calls, listening to my drama, telling me things that give me hope."

"Oh, no problem. I trust you'd do the same with me."

"Of course. "All right," I heard her smile. "See you soon...and have a good day."

I chuckled.

"Sleep well."

"I'll try. I don't see how I can when _someone _woke me up."

"I thought you said it was okay," I whined.

"Relax," she laughed. "I was joking."

"Ha ha," I flatly said. "You have a strange sense of humor."

"You love that about me," I heard her smile turn into a grin.

My heart skipped every other beat and pounded in my chest at a thousand miles a minute.

"Okay. I'm really gonna go now," she puffed out a laugh I followed her lead and played normal for a second.

"Yeah, I should probably get going myself. Lindsey might call the cops to send a search party for me this time."

"Wait...this time? Is there something else going on?"

"Oh, no. Don't worry about it."

There was a pause.

"I won't worry about it...for now, but need to have a serious conversation when I get back."

I sighed.

"Okay. Now get some sleep."

"I'm gonna try."

"Goodnight, Sara."

"Good morning, Cat."

We disconnected and I felt as relaxed as a woman who spent the day at a spa.

I sucked in a big breath through my nose and exhaled through my mouth with a smile. I felt I could confidently keep at the decisions I'd already made. I was glad I called her, elated that she answered, and energized for the day after the talked we'd shared.

I got off the bench and started to jog back to the house. I only had to get through one more day at work without her and another six days before I went to the Eclipse full time.

At the lab, I got the shift started and immediately hid in my office with plenty of empty boxes and several hours to clean in. Ecklie didn't need to know I wasn't doing my paperwork like I said I was and he definitely didn't need to know I had Nick do it for me. I wanted to get away from the law, away from the grievances, away from Lou.

I sighed and opened one drawer on each side of my desk to start the packing process. I started with pens and pencils, notepads and Post-It's, after a half hour of office supplies, I got to the personal things that made my office feel more like home.

The first personal thing I managed to pick up was a picture of the team after we'd all re-gelled after Ray joined us. Greg made the rock sign with his hand and stuck out his tongue like a member of Kiss, Nick made an over joyous expression and held up one of his thumbs, Ray giving Nick bunny ears, and Sara kissing my cheek, her arm draped over my shoulder while I showed off a wide smile. It had been almost a year and a half ago and I still didn't know why she kissed me. I guessed it had to do with our newly made friendship since only a few months prior, she gave me a pep talk about my leadership skills.

I smiled at the photo and remembered how she kissed me. I'd set up the timer on the camera and rushed back to the group. We'd all pretended to be in a hurry because there was only so much time before the flash went off. We'd had a good laugh, but when the last three warning flashes went off, Sara wrapped her around my neck and pulled me in for a sweet peck. It was the happiest I'd been in the past year. I had a good boyfriend, a best friend, and a great team that knew just how to make me smile.

I sighed again and put the picture in one of the boxes that surrounded me. I wished there were leprechauns that could finished packing up my office and I wished there were fairies that could make time go faster because if I had to wait much longer to see her, I'd explode.

**...**

_**Hopefully, there weren't too many errors. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading and DON'T FORGET TO LEAVE A REVIEW. :)**_


	11. Chapter 11

**_Sorry for the long wait, but I promise it was worth it. :) English kicked my ass for a while and it might pick another fight with me soon. So for that, I apologize ahead of time._**

**_So, without further excuses...here it is. the latest and greatest. :) Enjoy. ;)_**

**Chapter Eleven**

**"The Moment"**

Warm rays of sun burst through the bathroom window as almost equally warm water trembled down and across my body. I took a long shower that day because I wanted to look like a little slice of heaven for Sara. She hadn't seen me in a week and I wanted to make sure she couldn't remember what I looked like prior to her vacation. I wanted to look sexy, strong, not at all like the boss I presented at the lab.

I used the most alluring body wash and shampoo that I owned and let my muscles relax under the calming water. I thought about what would happen when I saw her.

"_Hey, she smiled as she stood on the front porch of my place._

_She glowed and it felt like something had changed. I couldn't figure it out, but I knew It was something big._

"_Hi," I smiled back, feeling her infectious glow spread to me. "You look...great."_

"_Thanks. You too."_

_I stepped aside and let her in. As she walked past me, her arm grazed mine and her breasts brushed up against me. A wave of heat crashed against my surface and, for a moment, the world stopped turning. Nothing else mattered except for her sweet, unintentional as it was, touch. _

_I followed her into the kitchen and intently watched her as she took a seat at the bar. I scanned over her body starting from the ankles and ending on her dreamy, chocolate eyes._

"_What," she chuckled._

"_Nothing," I forced a smile and pretended I wasn't embarrassed._

_She looked away from me and normalcy set in again. I felt as comfortable and collected as I had before she went back to France. _

_She took a deep breath as I approached her and looked up when I stood beside her. She reached out and tugged at my wrist. She pulled me into her embrace and slowly stood, her body gliding against mine. My shirt slid toward my naval and my blood started to boil._

_She leaned in, lips parted, and paused when I felt her breath hit my anxiously waiting lips. My eyes relaxed shut and my breathing feel in sync with hers as her fingertips lightly played along my sides._

Kiss me, _I screamed in my head. There was nothing I wanted more than to taste her lips, indefinitely attach them to mine, feel the rush of heat and energy that came with the Sara Sidle package._

_She swayed us away from the bar, our foreheads touching as our breathing quickened at a rhythmic pace. It felt like we were dancing and I couldn't have been happier._

She leaned in further and as our lips almost touched, the illusion was shattered by my daughter's voice.

"Mom! I plan on getting in there before lunch. How much longer do you plan on taking," she yelled through the door.

"I'm almost done," I yelled back.

I sighed, turned to face the shower head, and let the warm water spill over my face. I finished up within the next couple of minutes and walked out of the bathroom in only a towel. I didn't know why I hadn't used my own bathroom to take a shower, but I guessed I was off that day. My shower fantasy proved it.

"I thought when you remodeled the master bath, I wouldn't have to fight for my bathroom when I came home."

"I know. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking."

"When was the last time you actually used your own bathroom?"

"Oh, wow," I blankly said as it hit me. "I haven't used it since the remodeling started."

"And when did the remodeling stop?"

"Two months ago."

"Nice," she said after she raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah," I softly said before I bit my lip and shuffled into my room.

I shut the door and flopped onto my bed, my eyes fixed on the ceiling. I sighed and ran a hand through my wet, uncombed hair. I didn't know how, or even if, I was going to tell Sara that I liked her.

"Ugh, my life couldn't get more complicated," I said to the empty room.

I felt like a lovestruck teenager that treated every little thing like it might be the end of the world, or at least the end of _my _world.

I spent hours walking around, tiding up the place, and keeping my hands busy so I didn't die of excitement. By the time I'd finished, one of the more entertaining soap operas was on television. I watched like a stay at home with no life as several characters talked about the mistakes they had made, whose baby it really was, and how they found out they had a long lost twin brother. I also found out quickly that it was a marathon. Episode after episode, I realized I'd been sucked in to the deep storylines each character brought with them.

The marathon ended on a cliffhanger after one of the blondes found out her baby had been stolen myself by the baby daddy's former mistress. I decided to tear myself away from the T.V. Before I mindlessly morphed my life into a soap opera.

I went to the kitchen and fixed u pa salad. I didn't know what else to do with my time since Nick was taking on my work load earlier than necessary, the Eclipse didn't need me for the rest of the week, and my usual source of entertainment wasn't showing me things that truly interested me. I was stuck, sitting on my hands, until Sara came to my door and I couldn't stand it. Patience is excruciating.

A few hours in the kitchen, making a salad, cleaning up my mess, making a meat lover's dinner for Lindsey and Danny, cleaning up the third mes, I finally had a few minutes to sit and wait for Sara. According to the information she gave me, she would be at my place any minute. I attempted to contain my enthusiasm.

As if on cue, the doorbell rang and I sprang into action. I flew to the door and gracefully made it swing open. I seriously needed to relax.

"Hi," she smiled.

"Hi," I smiled back. Not that I cared in my state of mind then, but I was sure my smile was two sizes too wide for someone who wanted to pretend I didn't have any deeper feelings than friendship toward her.

I stepped aside and let her through. She walked in with an ease, a certain air about her I couldn't remember from before. Part of me wished it had something to do with seeing me, but I assumed it was either the pregnancy or what Gil did for her while she was away.

"So...how was your trip," I asked.

"Good, but being in France was much better than the flights," she lightly chuckled.

I smiled a bit of an awkward smile, afraid to truly admit Grissom made her smile.

"So...what's been going on here," Sara asked after she took a look around the place before she turned to me again.

"Nothing much," I sighed and dug my hands into my pockets.

"Don't think I forgot that we need to talk" she slowly inched toward me with a index finger pointed in my direction.

I bit my lip and avoided eye contact.

"Catherine...do you want to talk about it now?"

She tucked her finger under my chin and lifted my head so she could look me in the eyes.

I gulped and gently shook my head out of her loose grasp.

She nodded and side stepped around me to get to the couch in the living room. She seemed to check out the house as though something had changed, but I knew nothing had.

"Something wrong," I asked from the spot she left me in.

She whipped around and flashed a small smile.

"Yeah, I just...forgot what it looked like in here."

I slowly nodded as I tried to understand how she could forget what the house looked like when it hadn't changed in over four years with the exception of my bathroom, which she hadn't seen.

"Do you want some salad," I asked to keep the room from falling silent.

"Uh, sure. That'd be nice. Thanks."

"No problem," I said as I shuffled to the fridge. "I needed to keep my hands busy so I made plenty of food."

I set the large bowl of salad on the bar and set out an individual sized bowl beside it. I fished out a few spoonfuls of the salad and served them up to her.

"I could've done that," she softly spoke as she slid the bowl toward her.

I pulled out a fork and slipped it in the bowl after she had placed it where she wanted it. For some reason, I was catering to her and I didn't mind. It wouldn't have made any sense to me if I hadn't figured out that I liked her, but I did know that so the catering thing concerned me.

"Cat?"

I shook my head with squeezed shut eyes.

"Sorry. I was thinking."

"Anything ingenious going on up there," she joked with a smile.

I scoffed with a smile to match hers and rolled my eyes.

"No, just a bunch of teenager thoughts threatening to kill off way too many of my remaining brain cells."

She continued to smile.

"Care to share?"

I looked her over and almost gave in to her. I almost told her everything that made my Christmas painful and confusing.

"No, it's stupid," I shook my head. "Don't worry about it."

She looked disbelievingly at me, but took it at face value that I still didn't want to talk. She didn't push me. She patiently waited for me to open up on my own time. Something about her was definitely different, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it yet.

She slowly ate her salad and savored every bite. She finished the bowl in about twenty minutes and left me in awe as she had devoured all the content, including the little scraps.

"Wow. Did you not eat in France?"

She smile.

"I did, but...that was really good salad."

I chuckled.

"Thanks, but anyone could've made it. It's really not that special."

"It was really good," restated with another smile.

I smiled back and took the bowl to the sink. I started to clean the bowl when Sara stopped beside me. She suddenly looked tired, worn out, almost as though something, or someone, kicked her ass while she was away.

"You okay," I asked as I turned off the water and reached for the dish towel to wash my hands.

"Yeah," she sighed. "It's funny how one second I feel like I'm glowing and the next, I want to stare down a toilet because my baby hates me."

I smiled and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Want to lay down?"

She took a deep breath and exhaled with a burp. I giggled and rubbed her arm.

"Come on. You can use my bed."

"Actually...I was thinking of taking a bath first. Is that okay?"

"Of course. Bubbles or...?"

"I don't need bubbles...and I don't need for you to draw me a bath. I'm fine, Catherine."

"I'm just trying to make things easier."

We were on our way up the stairs when I felt her fingers lace with mine and squeeze. We were holding hands and all I could do was close my eyes in bliss, not wanting her to let go. It felt so good to feel her there with me. For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel so alone.

After another fifteen minutes, Sara had made herself a bath and managed to slip in it while I got to admire the remodeling for the first time. I didn't watch her undress and I didn't watch her get in to the tub. I didn't even want to watch her do either of those things at that moment. I only wanted her to hold my hand again. Although, there was a part of me that did want to slither into the bath with her.

I refrained from my thoughts and decided to change m clothes. I yanked on some sweatpants and a loose fitting shirt over my spaghetti strap undershirt. I got comfortable on my bed and curled up with a book I thought I wouldn't have time to finish.

After an hour, Sara emerged from the bathroom as I put down the completely read book. She wore a tight enough outfit to accent her assets, her ass made t look fuller and her breasts to look more prominent.

I bit my lip and suppressed my thought about her desirable body as I sat up at the edge of the bed.

"I feel much better now," she smiled as she came to sit next to me. "And that bathroom is really something."

"Thanks. I've gotta say...the contractors did a good job."

"Wait...sounds to me like you hadn't seen the bathroom until just now. I thought you said they finished it three months ago."

"They did. I hadn't."

Sara curiously raised an eyebrow.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk?"

I sighed.

"You're never going to leave it alone, are you?"

"No, just like I know you wouldn't if it were me acting like this."

I stared down at the floor for a while as her statement sank in. It was the truth. If she seemed sad, I wouldn't let it go. I ask her time and time again what the problem was and I'm sure she'd attempt to dodge the discussion completely, like I tried to do with her.

"Catherine?"

"I need more time," I quietly confessed.

"Okay," she softly responded.

She rubbed my back for a few seconds before she pulled me into a hug. I relaxed into her touch and felt her squeeze me again.

Suddenly, a thought fluttered to the surface of my mind. I never let anyone have the control in my relationships. So how come Sara could take care of me like she was and I had let it happen? I must have really liked that girl.

We slowly separated and I felt like I needed my space. I didn't want to like her. I couldn't like her. She was married and I wasn't gay. At least, I thought I wasn't...until I fell for her.

I inwardly groaned and ran a hand through my hair as I tried to calm myself.

"You sure don't sound okay," Sara piped up from behind me.

I spun around with owl eyes and stared at her.

"Did I just do that out loud?"

She nodded.

I scoffed out of disappointment in myself and closed my eyes as I tried to turn away from her.

"Seriously, Catherine...What's going on in that overwhelmed head of yours?"

I took a deep breath and decided to dive in.

"It's just...I feel things now that...I shouldn't feel and I don't know how to make it go away."

"What shouldn't you feel," she asked with an expression that told me she thought I was insane.

"I-I don't know. Never mind. Just, uh, forget I said anything."

"Catherine, you can't keep running from this. What's bothering you?"

"Don't worry about it."

"Catherine!"

"Don't worry about it."

She shook her head, obviously frustrated with me. She shot up and walked away from me before she started pacing.

"You know...you really do know how to get under my skin sometimes."

I furrowed my brow and wondered where she was going with her argument.

"And you think you don't get under mine?"

"Well, you certainly know how to keep your distance when I think I do!"

"Maybe that's because I don't want you to know you get to me."

"That's just stupid."

"Oh, and being defensive and cold to me isn't?"

She came closer to me again.

"Why do you think I do that?"

"I don't know, Sara. If I did, don't you think I wouldn't have to ask?"

"I do it because sometimes you really know how to push me. You really do know all the right buttons that hurt me."

I shook my head.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"It's what you do best."

"Do you think I'm hurting you, or trying to hurt you, now?"

"No, but it's happened way too many times in the past for me to take a chance..." she trailed off.

There was a moment of silence between us with enough tension to cut with a knife. What was she going to say? Why were we even arguing? Did that mean we couldn't talk it out like normal people?

"Sara-"

"Leave it alone, Catherine. If that's what you want...we won't talk about it."

"That's not what I want."

"Then what do you want because I'm tired of having to figure you out."

"Lou broke up with me a few days after you left," I blurted out as a way out of our fight.

There was a pause.

"What?"

I nodded.

"He broke up with me. I wasn't fair to him and things got nasty between us."

"Define nasty."

I looked at the floor. I couldn't tell her. I didn't want to feel like a victim again. I didn't want her pity.

"Cat!"

"He slapped me."

She shook her head again, this time she appeared beyond pissed.

"That bastard's got another thing coming to him if he think he can do that. Next time I see him-"

"No, it's fine. I'm fine."

"You didn't deserve that. No matter what you did to him, no matter how bad you hurt him...you didn't deserve that."

"Thanks," I softly said, my eyes shyly looking up at her again.

"Is that all that was bothering you," she calmly asked. "What is it that you think you're not supposed to feel?"

I bit my lip and stiffly shook my head.

"Don't make me yell at you again."

A small laugh escaped from me.

She smiled back.

"Look, I think you're great," she started. "And I hate to see you get hurt."

"Right back at you," I displayed a small, lovesick smile.

"Glad to know we're on the same page," she smiled back.

"I say we put the talking behind us for tonight and watch the New Year's countdown."

She nodded.

"I agree."

I carefully took a deep breath so she didn't see. I didn't want anymore questions because I honestly didn't know how to answer them without telling her everything I tried to get out of my system.

We walked downstairs, turned on the television and dragged two wine glasses and a bottle of white wine out to the living room. I didn't know where Lindsey and Danny were and I didn't know when they'd get back, but I got selfish and hoped they didn't come home that night. I wanted Sara Sidle all to myself.

We sat together on the couch and switched between the countdown and a wrap up of 2010. We laughed as we made our own end of the year wrap and I realized it was the attitude Sara presented at that moment I missed the most when she was gone. We never usually got together like friends, but sometimes, during an after shift drink and breakfast with the gang, we would forget about our disagreements and the gruesome case we had wrapped less than an hour before. I really missed having the chance to be comfortable around her.

"Do you remember when Nick and Greg...tried to scare Henry in the lab, but the plan backfired," she laughed.

"Yeah, Henry played a prank on them because he knew they were trying to do the same," I laughed with her.

She nodded with a smile and offered me the last bit of wine we had at our fingertips. I took the glass of wine and finished it off in one swift gulp.

"Are you the alcoholic now?"

"Hm?"

I put the glass on the coffee table and curled up next to her under the blanket that covered us both.

"I'm not an alcoholic."

"Just thirsty?"

I looked at her and saw the smile spread wide across her face.

"Shut up. ...I'm not an alcoholic."

She continued to smile.

"I believe you. I'm just teasing."

"Good. Because I'd hate to have to kick your ass for accusing me of loving the bottom of a bottle."

She giggled. A beautiful sound.

"You're feet are cold," she said as I inched closer to her.

I rested my head on her shoulder and nuzzled myself into a position I deemed comfortable.

"Then warm me up," I calmly stated as I eased into a state of simplicity. I couldn't be disturbed, ripped away, from my high thanks to the brunette beside me.

We sat like that for hours and managed to stay awake for the final minute of the countdown.

"This is it. The end of twenty-ten," she sighed as if she had tried to shrug the world off of her shoulders.

"You don't seem so happy to move on," I flatly stated.

"Yeah, because I don't think I'm entirely ready to move on. I mean, it wasn't the best year I've had, but...things feel...different. I'm not ready to start a whole, new year differently."

She had a good point. Maybe I wasn't ready to move on either.

"What choice do we have," I started. "We've got to dive in and hope for the best like everyone else."

She nervously chuckled.

"I wish we had the power to stop time...just the two of us."

"You mean...you and Gil?"

"No," she shook her head. "You and me. I wish, for once, we could make the world stop turning and keep things the way the are before it gets confusing."

I didn't know what she was talking about, but it sounded right...nice. I wanted it too, but that was only because I didn't want to ruin a great friendship over uncontrollable feelings I didn't understand.

"Ten, nine, eight, seven," the crowd on the countdown chanted.

"Well," I said. "Are you going to dive in with me?"

"Five, four, three..."

She stared at me for a long moment and my heart began to race. I looked into her chocolate colored eyes and saw a flicker of something. I wasn't quite sure of what I saw until the countdown came to a close.

"Two, one..."

She leaned and her lips met mine in an instant. I felt her tongue slid into my mouth as though it had done that many times before and I gripped her biceps. For that one moment, time did stand still. The world stopped turning and everything else faded away. Sure, it was a cliché, but when the crowd on the television hoot and hollered, the only thing I heard was our breath as our lips met over and over again.

**...**

_**Don't forget to review. Thanks for reading. :) **_

_**I only see a few more chapters in the future to wrap up the story, but it was fun to write. :) I plan on getting back to some of my old fics once this one is done, though. So here's to that. ENJOY YOUR SUPER BOWL SUNDAY. GO PACKERS! ;)**_


	12. Chapter 12

I felt like I was floating, drifting through clouds as we kissed into the new year. She knew how to make melt, how to use her tongue in all the right ways, where to touch me to make me shudder. Her fingertips rested against my neck with a feather like touch I had to press into for me to believe she even touched me.

I moaned and leaned further into her as our legs intertwined under the blanket. I felt myself letting go of all my worries and giving in to my heart's greatest desire. Her free hand ran along my inner thigh as my legs naturally spread for her. It didn't take long to know who ran the show because when Sara's hand traveled up the inseam of my sweatpants, she charged me and I ended up on my back on my own couch.

Her fingers lingered around my waistband and I whimpered as I took a quick breather. She started kissing my neck and her hand found my weak spot at my hips. I bit my lip and let my hand slide down my body to meet hers. I laced our fingers and got her attention. Sara stared deep into my eyes as I lightly panted then looked at our joined hands. A small smile crept across her face and the twinkle in her eyes matched my earlier lovestruck look.

"I don't know much about two thousand-eleven, but I like it already," she continued to smile.

I smiled back a moment before she kissed me again. For the life of me, I couldn't get one song out of my head.

"_Oh, I can't believe it's happening to me. Some people wait a lifetime...for a moment...like this."_

I smiled, big and wide, into the next kiss and relaxed under her.

"Comfortable," she asked with a smile between kisses.

"Mhm," I moaned as her knee tempted me when it slid between my thighs.

"Don't be," she purred as she scooped me into her arms and peeled me off the couch.

I wrapped my legs around her waist and allowed her to carry me up the stairs and into my room. She dumped me on my bed and grinned at me as she inched closer. I bit my lip and reached for her belt, which came undone in a matter of seconds. She unbuttoned her pants as I unzipped them and, in record time, I had her standing in front me in only her underwear, which pleasurably ended up in my face.

I looked at her knowing she was all I wanted and all I couldn't have as long as she was with Grissom.

"We can't," I sighed, miserable.

She closed her eyes and pursed her lips.

"I know."

I shook my head.

"This is what I know I shouldn't feel," I said as I stood.

There was a silence as I tried to screw my head back on straight.

"If you want me, you shouldn't hold back because you know I want you too."

"That's just it. I don't want you for one night. I need you for as long as our potential happiness lasts."

"Okay," she started. "I'm going to pretend that didn't make me want to laugh because I agree with the idea of what you're trying to say. Catherine, I'm not saying that I only want to get physical with you. I want it all. You're one of the most amazing people I've ever met and I hate going a day without at least hearing from you. That's why I took your calls at ridiculous hours," she chuckled.

I laughed, hoping her confession meant I could be with her.

"Look, I hate the idea of sneaking around...probably as much as you do, but...I want to be with you more than anything. Grissom and I have talked about this time and time again. He's ready to let go...for the most part."

"Wait...what does that mean?"

"It means that I love Gil and I'm happy with him...but as intimate friends. He and I agreed to go through a 'pleasant' divorce and stay close...as friends."

"And the sneaking around thing?"

My heart began to race and I couldn't breathe. What did she want from me? Make me a two time cheater?

"I don't want the guys to know anything yet. I know that's a lot to ask, but-"

"No, I get it. Things are still confusing enough for you right now and you need to work through it with Gil before you say anything."

"Yeah...I don't want to say anything until it's final. And after that..."

"We're free to be open about us...whatever that entails."

"Right," she gave a single nod.

"So for now..."

I hinted to her with my eyes where I wanted things to go and I watched her match my expression.

"Now..." she trailed off as she swayed into my arms. "We can pick up where we left off."

I followed her grin until it captured my lips and I fell victim to her heavenly kisses.

Hours later, the sun peaked through the bedroom window and I became blatantly aware I hadn't slept alone. I wasn't alarmed or shocked, but calm as I knew who shared my bed.

I rolled into Sara and smiled as my eyes eased themselves open.

"Good morning," I smoothly spoke with a smile.

"Morning," she smiled back as she stretched.

I moved and felt the confinement of my panties restrain me. We didn't have sex, but we got far enough. We'd enjoyed much more than the company and had a few bruises to prove it.

Sara's fingertips gently played over her teeth marks she left on my hip and I bit my lip to hide my smile, which didn't make a difference because I needed up blushing.

She grinned.

"Are you remembering how it happened or enjoying what I'm doing now?"

"Both," I smugly smiled.

Her grin spread as she leaned in and kissed me. I lightly bit her lip before we parted and relished over the lustful spark in her eyes.

"Wanna go again," she purred.

"Yes and no. Kitty likes to play," I teased.

"Believe me...I know," she smiled. "My little Kit Kat plays a lot."

I giggled.

"It's funny how we've spent one night together, messing around, and already you've got two nicknames for me."

"Oh, Cat, I've got more than that...and I've had them stuck in my head for years."

I smiled and reached out to run my fingertips over her hip. That's when I remembered what I'd seen during our "play date".

I reached around her hip and slid my fingertips over the left half of the small of her back. Jagged edges and tiny bumps made me think of the life she once lived. Most of the people I knew were covered with scars, but none of them were ever physical, only emotional. Sara had both.

"What happened," I asked as I traced three, closely spaced scars.

"My mother was schizophrenic," she stated after a beat."Sometimes she would go on a rampage destroying anything in her path. My father tried to disappear when that happened...and drank when he wasn't successful. My brother stayed in his room and I had to fend off her assumed personalities so...when she threw things, I happened to be in the line of fire."

I frowned as I continued to trace the scars.

"Did that happen a lot?"

"Yeah."

"All these years...you and domestic violence cases didn't mix. From all the anger you directed at the men in the cases, I thought your dad might have hurt you."

She shook her head.

"He wasn't the World's Greatest Dad, but he never touched me."

My jaw dropped a few inches as Sara rolled onto her stomach, her tank top still revealing a medium size patch of skin. Her right side had several run-on scars from her hip to her ribs. They seemed to disappear around to the other side and they looked more than painful.

"These are from my uncle."

"What did he do," I asked as I slowly reached out to touch them.

"The real question is what didn't he do. He molested me, beat me to keep me quiet, and locked me in his bedroom every other Tuesday, Wednesday, or Friday."

"He didn't go to jail?"

"How could he when I never told?"

"I'm sorry, Sara," I said before I leaned in and kissed along her visible scars.

Her breathing slowed and she started to relax under my touch again.

"It's okay. I'm done crying over it...but what you're doing helps."

I smiled.

"Do I know your kryptonite, or what?"

She giggled and rolled back onto her back. After a minute of staring at me, she reached out and touched my neck where she left a pinkish red and purple mark.

"You look hot," she stated as her fingertips danced along the outline of the hickey.

"I bet you're only saying that because you have proof you got to sink your teeth into me."

"Maybe," she grinned.

I smiled again.

"No, I think you're hot every day."

"Aw, thank you," I kissed her.

"One night together and we're already lovey-dovey."

"You should probably get used to it."

She beamed.

"I think I just did."

I laughed and kissed her again.

"Time for me to take a shower," I said as I slipped away.

"Any chance I can get in on that action?"

"Maybe when I'm done," I winked.

She bit her lip, a wicked look in her eyes. She shot off the bed and rushed to the bathroom doorway where she wrapped me into her arms and locked us in the bathroom together. I couldn't stop laughing.

It didn't take long before I gave in and let her shower with me. Normally, I'd wait a few dates before I let that happen, _if_ I ever let it happen, but with her everything was different. I allowed way more to happen between us and let it happen ten times faster than I would usually feel comfortable.

After an hour long shower, my favorite shower ever, I got a call from Jerry. I rushed out to my cell in a towel and pressed the green button the second I picked up the phone.

"Willows."

"You coming in today? Al said you're a natural. He expects you to take it from wherever you two left off the other day."

"Uh, yeah...I'll be in after lunch."

"You don't have to, you know. Technically, you don't start working her until next week."

"I know."

"And, because you're Sam's daughter, you really don't need to even lift a finger."

"I don't want to do that. I'm not like Paris Hilton. I'll earn my money, thank you."

He chuckled.

"I understand. That's actually one of the reasons I fell for you."

"Fell for..." I trailed off in shock. I couldn't believe he had admitted that, especially since we were only physical.

"Look, it's fine. You and that cop are-"

"Not together anymore. Wait...you _fell _for me," I cut him off, at first with a flat and steady tone.

Sara walked into the room in a sports bra and boxers, her hair slightly curled as it was still wet.

"You and your boyfriend broke up? When?"

"Not important. How could you have..._fallen _for me?"

"You're an amazing woman. How could I not fall for you?"

Sara stepped behind me and slid her arms across my torso, her chin on my shoulder.

"When we were together...I was cheating on my boyfriend and you think I'm amazing?"

"That didn't matter. You work hard, you're caring-"

"I'm good in bed," I flatly asked.

"No, I mean yes. God yes, you're... spectacular in bed. But-"

"But nothing. Jerry, I thought we were clear on this. I'm going to manage the hotel and I don't want things to be awkward between us. We ended this a while ago and...I'm not exactly single."

"But you said you and the cop are done."

"Right, but that doesn't mean I didn't move on. Listen, it's complicated and I really don't want to get in to it. You're a great guy, but we're better friends than we are anything else."

He sighed.

"I know. I'm making this uncomfortable. I'm sorry. I'll stop."

"It's okay."

He took a deep breath.

"Okay, so...you're coming in today?"

"Yeah, around two."

"Sounds good."

"Good."

"See you then."

"Bye."

"Bye."

I rolled my eyes and hung up.

"Why did he have to say that?"

"Say what," Sara asked.

"Jerry really likes me."

"I don't blame him."

"That doesn't help," I broke out of her grasp. "I'm supposed to work with him and he still wants me."

"He'll get over it."

"How do you know?"

"He's gonna have to with me around," she grinned as she tugged my hand and pulled me into her.

I smiled.

"Would you kick his ass if he made a move on me?"

"Definitely. I wouldn't even have to think about it."

"God, I love having you around."

She smiled and guided me to the bed. When we got there, she picked at my towel and sat on the edge of the bed, my towel went down with her. She bit her lip and looked over her work.

I had a bite mark hickey on my neck and another to match on my hip. If anyone else saw it, hey would guess it hurt, but I'd enjoyed it...all of it. In fact, I'd never fooled around the way I did with Sara. The things we did were more satisfying than anything I'd ever done with a man. That probably had something to do with the fact that Sara could hold out. She had incredible stamina and knew what I liked. Not many men I'd been with could find what really peaked my interest.

"Cat," Sara called to me as she traced infinity symbols along my thigh.

I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at her.

"Careful. I don't want you to hurt yourself," she teased with a grin.

I shook my head with a lustfully sinister look and pinned her to the sheets. She laughed on her way down and swiftly placed a knee between my thighs.

"With you around...there's no such thing as careful."

A few more hours later and it was off to the Eclipse. We still hadn't had sex, but tat was mutual decision. In fact, with all the fooling around we were doing, I really didn't want to lave.

"Good to see you back," Al greeted with a warm smile.

"Thank you," I smiled in return.

Al didn't spend much time with me, only exchanged pleasantries and moved on. He knew I could handle my new job well enough to still be standing at the end of the day.

I headed off to the pool to check the towel supply and ran into Jerry.

"Hey, Catherine..can we talk?"

I sighed and rubbed my forehead.

"Jerry, it's fine. I don't want to make things worse."

"No, look...I need to apologize. I shouldn't have jumped all over you like that."

"Apology accepted. Now can I get back to work?"

"Just...wait, he said as he grabbed me by the shoulder and spun me around to face him.

My hair flew off my shoulder and disappeared behind me. My neck was exposed and his brow furrowed.

"My god...who did that to you?"

He reached out to touch my hickey, which looked worse than it had when I first got it, but I pulled away before he laid a finger on me.

"Doesn't matter," I flatly said.

"It looks bad. Is someone hurting you?"

"Don't worry about it."

"I can't. Tell me who did this!"

"Get over it! If I didn't want them to bite me, I wouldn't have let them."

"You're trying to tell me you welcomed that?"

He pointed at it again.

I groaned and attempted to get around him. I was successful, but he stepped in front of me again anyway.

"Is this what you were trying to tell me earlier?"

"Yes," I started to show my agitation. "I'm seeing someone. I already told you."

"Who is he? I'll kick his ass if he hurts you."

"Leave it alone, Jerry. I know you're trying to help, but it's not working. Look, I'm sorry if you didn't understand this before, but...I used you. Our time together meant nothing more to me than a satisfying way to kill time, loneliness, and depression."

He looked heartbroken. To know that I hurt him like that, hurt me. Of course, I did have every reason to tell him the truth and put an end to his feelings for me, make it real.

"I'm sorry. I guess I really didn't get it the first time."

He cleared his throat and immediately stiffened his body frame.

I'll leave you alone and keep things professional between us."

I pursed my lips and hoped he didn't feel too bad. I thought he could handle it and I hated to see a man, a good man, sink to his knees in emotional pain. I hated to cause people I cared about pain.

"I'm sorry, Jerry. I didn't mean to sound so harsh, but...I thought you should know the truth."

He nodded.

"Thanks. I appreciate that."

"We're...still friends, right? I don't want anything to change between us."

"Of course. ...I'd like that."

"Great. Um, okay...I'm...gonna get back to work now."

"Good. Good...thinking. I am too."

"See you later," I nodded.

"Bye," he said before he made an awkward exit.

I rolled my eyes and spent minute or two with my head buried in my hands.

I definitely screwed up that friendship.

Several hours later, I rolled into the lab, a little beat up from working at the Eclipse. I didn't have a break between the hotel and CSI.

"Finally, the amazing Catherine decides to grace us with her presence," Ecklie sardonically greeted, a few slips of paper in his hand. "You're twenty minutes late."

"I'm aware."

"I got your team started. Sara and Greg are working on their case from last week and Nick and Ray are checking out a DB in an ally off the strip."

"Got it."

"Here are three new cases you can take care of."

He handed me the slips and walked away with a sinister smirk.

I closed my eyes and sighed in defeat as my shoulders dropped as though the pressure of the world rested on them.

"Cat," her voice reached my ears with a joyous tone, happy to see me again.

My eyes shot open and I smiled.

"Hi."

"Tired?"

I nodded.

She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed, a warm, necessary hug. To anyone else, it looked harmless. To us, we knew it meant everything.

She let go and backed away from me, but left little space between us.

"I can help you relax after shift if you'd like."

"Mm. Sounds nice."

"Yeah?"

"Mhm."

"Good because I'm thinking a little massage can go a long way" she grinned.

I grinned back and knew I had it made.

"What would I do without you," I blissfully sighed, content with the situation.

Sara smiled and looked around to make sure no one was around to catch on to our overly civilized behavior.

"I saw Ecklie. He was looking for you."

"He found me," I said as I raised the slips.

She cringed.

"And he expects you to do all that?"

"Until someone else is free I'm assuming."

"Greg and I wrapped our case three days ago. I'm all yours."

"Three days ago? While you were in France?"

"There are such things as phones and computers. Video chats really helped."

I was officially jealous. Not only did Greg have some time on his hands, but he got to talk to Sara, got to see her, while she was away.

"Catherine? You look a little...red. And not a shy, embarrassed kind of red. Angry red."

"What? No, no, I'm fine. It's just..."

"Greg?"

"I hate him right now."

She laughed.

"He's not the one I'm spending all my time with, is he?"

I blushed.

"No."

"Exactly."

I lightly laughed.

"You need an extra set of hands," she asked.

"God yes."

Suddenly, it occurred to me.

"Wait, if you wrapped your case...why did Ecklie just say..."

She looked at me with suggestive eyes as she tried to silently answer my unfinished question.

"You lied," I stated with wide eyes and a small grin.

"Greg's been helping Nick with _your _paperwork for the past three days."

"How did you know it's mine?"

"I took a look at it. Most of them require your signature. Some of them were employee evaluation forms. I think you forgot to sort through the papers before you passed them on to him too, because one of them is a notice for Catherine Willows to schedule an exit interview."

"I seriously gave him that?"

She nodded.

"Damn."

"Is there something you want to tell me?""

I took a deep breath before I began again.

"Next week I'll at the Eclipse and done with solving cases."

"You took Jerry's offer."

I nodded.

"I knew it."

"You were right. You got to me. I listened to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it."

"All I said was that I knew you picked the Eclipse over the lab. I had this feeling when I was talking to you one night."

"Am I really that predictable?"

"No, I'm just that convincing," she smirked.

Right," I sarcastically said as I rolled my eyes.

"I think it's great. If it's what you want to do then go for it."

I smiled.

"I love having you around."

"I love being around."

I continued to smile until I noticed Greg walk by.

"Hey, did Sara tell you about our case," he asked as he looked back and forth between her and me.

"Yes. Thank you for helping Nick with the paperwork."

"Does this mean I have to work a new case?"

I emitted a light chuckle.

"You're going to have to work cases as long as you work here, Greg."

"I know. I'm actually hoping you give me a case. Nick still has a forth of the paperwork to go and as much as I don't mind thinking a lot, I'd prefer to see a little action with it."

Sara laughed.

"Good. Glad to see you're on board," I smiled.

I handed two of the slips to Sara and one to Greg.

"Handle these? I'm going to switch Nick his desk duty for a night out. Give one to him?"

I pointed to the slips in Sara's hand and she nodded in understanding and agreement.

"Thanks," I said before I flew off to relieve Nick from the treacherous clutter of mundane activity.

Several hours and a heap of completed paperwork later, I'd managed to take care of most of my responsibilities, of course, not without the help of my friends.

At first, I smiled, but that soon turned into a sigh because I realized I still needed to tell the team. _With friends like them_, I thought, _how could I possibly explain my career change?_

I inwardly groaned before I stood up and organized the files to return to Ecklie. I also needed to make an appointment for my exit interview. Why did everything important have to ambush me at my weakest point in life?

Pushing the questions to the back of my mind, I headed to Ecklie's office with the large pile of signed papers. I almost made it without any trouble until I ran into Nick...literally.

"Oh."

"Whoa, sorry," he said as the paperwork flew out of my hands.

When the last sheet hit the ground, I sighed.

"Aw, man. I'm really sorry," he apologized with great concern.

"It's okay...as long as you help me pick it up."

We shared a smile and exchanged a look.

"That I can do."

He and I scooped up all the folders and started putting the papers back in place. Within a few minutes, everything was reorganized and all I had to do was transport them the rest of the way to Ecklie's office.

"Thanks," I almost breathlessly said.

"No problem."

I half turned when he stopped me.

"Hey, is everything all right?"

I turned back to look at him, his furrowed brow an apparent display of his compassion.

"Yeah, why do you ask," I wondered, slightly scared for an unknown reason to me.

"Oh, well," he softly trailed of as he extended his arm and pushed my hair behind my shoulder.

My eyes went wide. I had completely forgotten about my hickey until Nick had pointed it out.

"Uh, it's nothing. I, uh, got hit with a golf ball."

"Since when do you like golf?"

"I don't, but I was visiting the course at the Eclipse...checking up on business there, and someone yelled fore but I didn't duck."

I made a face that read, "Guess that's what I get. Just my luck, right?"

Nick looked incredulously at me.

"Okay," he slowly said as though he tried to buy it. "I'll, uh, see you later."

"Uh huh," I nodded.

He walked away, but looked back every few seconds with a scrunched up, disbelieving face.

Busted.


End file.
